BodyLogue

Hijab no longer will block elite weightlifter

2011-06-30T16:53:00.000-04:00

by Thomas Roberts.

After a hard-fought battle in the name of her faith, Muslim weightlifter Kulsoom Abdullah is now able to compete without violating her religious beliefs.

Kulsoom Abdullah will get her chance to prove how strong she is at the U.S. weightlifting championships in July after she proved how tough she is as an advocate.

Abdullah, 35, who was born and raised in Georgia and boasts a PhD in computer networking from Georgia Tech, qualified for the championships, but she was ruled out because, as a Muslim, she refuses to compete without wearing her hijab.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported yesterday that after a challenge from Abdullah, the International Weightlifting Federation approved new guidelines that give women "the option of dressing in attire that doesn't leave their legs and arms exposed."

The barrier came to national attention this week after msnbc.com's Kari Huus spotlighted Abdullah's dilemma.

"I think it would just be nice that in any sport, if there's a lady who covers her arms and legs … they could still be involved," Abdullah told Huus. Turning to her chosen sport, which is male-dominated, she added: "With the dress code (as it is) Muslim women might think it's not something they should do."

Abdullah said yesterday that she was "really happy" with the ruling, telling the Journal-Constitution:

"The one advantage to all of this is that it raised a lot of awareness. I hope it will help with other sports that other (Muslim) women participate in."

Was that racist of me?

2011-06-23T13:06:00.000-04:00

So, the gym I have recently joined has classes. Today I went to the 'Latin Heat' class. I was excited. I mean dancing salsa at 8:30 in the morning. Awesome!!! Not because of the "exercise", but because I love Latin music and any excuse to dance is always welcome in my world.

I go to the gym. Finding parking was tricky so I was about 5 minutes late. When I entered the room my eyes started searching for the teacher.

Now before I tell you what happened, answer this for yourself. If you were going to take a LATIN HEAT class, who do you think would be teaching that class? What would your "Latin Heat" teacher look like? And I don't just mean thin/fat/sexy/ etc....

Well as I walk to find a spot in the room, my eyes scan the room to see who is teaching. It turns out to be a white blonde woman. Immediately I thought.."pha why is she teaching a Latin dance class?". In that moment I didn't think she had any business teaching that class. I questioned whether she could even move her hips the way you are supposed to in Latin dance. Needless to say my excitement for the class already entered the world of doubt.

But then I checked myself. I mean after all I conduct diversity training for other people. I should know better. how could I even think that way? So, after a little bit of self-scolding I decided to get with the program and dance the hour away.

She wasn't bad. She knew her moves and DID move her hips the way you are supposed to in Latin dance. But then why wasn't I having FUN????!!!! Was it me or was it how she was teaching the class or was it the fact that 90% of the students in that class were older Jewish women ready to get some LATIN HEAT on. In between their shaloms to each other and gossiping about stuff and watching other people, move they would step on the floor and try to follow the teacher.

So, perhaps the teacher was teaching at the level that these women could follow. Is THAT why I felt that she was a bad, uninspired and uninspiring teacher? Or am I truly biased in thinking that if you don't look brown but you want to teach or do Latin dance, then you better work hard to prove yourself? Just like the brown people have to prove themselves when they try to do something where white people have dominance. Skin color matters because its the most obvious trait we all have and it has SO much meaning.

To end the story...I walked out of the class half way through. I could not be in that room. It was too much work to TRY to enjoy what was an absolutely beginning level, slow Latin dance class. It didn't challenge me.

But what I wonder is....had the teacher been a brown man or woman....would I have stayed the entire class? Even despite the fact that because of the older ladies the class was never going to be as challenging as I would have liked it to be. Would I have stayed???? I don't know.

Serena Williams' Top Five Body Image Quotes

2011-06-21T16:34:00.000-04:00

There is no one who embodies the word "fierce" better than Serena Williams. The tennis star returned to the court yesterday after more than a year in recovery from a series of injuries to defeat Arvane Rezai at Wimbledon in England.

This was Williams' 15th Wimbledon, and fourth Wimbledon win. No doubt about it, she’s on fire. If you’ve ever wanted to know the secrets of her killer confidence, look no further. Here are some of her most memorable body image quotes:

Serena WIlliams Top 5 Body Image Quotes
1. She told Harpar’s Bazaar in 2010 that “my smile is my favorite part of my body. I think a smile can make your whole body."
2. “I have it in me,” she told ESPN 2009. “I believe in my game, and I believe in me. At the end of the day, I’m my biggest fan. Well, maybe my dad. But other than that, you have to be your biggest fan. I’m working on trying to stay positive."
3. She shared some words of wisdom that her sister had given her in 2009: “Venus told me the other day that champions don’t get nervous. That really helped me a lot. I decided I shouldn’t get nervous and just do the best I can.”
4. “I want women to know that it’s okay. That you can be whatever size you are and you can be beautiful inside and out. We’re always told what’s beautiful, and what’s not, and that’s not right,” she said in 2009.
5. "I told you guys I'm delicious," she told The New York Times in 2009. "Today I was vicious and ambitious."

By Alanna Nunez

Source: http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/entertainment-and-celebrities/serena-williams-top-five-body-image-quotes

‘Franklin and Bash’ episode 'Jennifer of Troy' - a missed opportunity

2011-06-20T22:16:00.000-04:00

I started watching this new show on TNT. Loved the pilot episode. Sure it has misogynistic moments but it has the quality that Two & A Half Men also had. I don't know why but I loved that show as well and will miss Charlie Sheen. Ashton Kutcher can't do what Mr. Sheen did. Hugh Grant would have been a GREAT replacement. Anyways, I digress.

So F&B (Franklin & Bash) is about 2 young and brash attorneys who in the pilot episode get hired by this white haired British dude to work in his huge law firm. Great!

Then the 3rd episode airs. Title- 'Jennifer of Troy'. Basically, F&B want this supposedly big case where a woman has been fired from her job for "being too beautiful". This woman who got fired is Jennifer, played by talented Jillian Bell.

A screenshot from the episode of F&B in question.

As she appeared on Curb Your Enthusiasm on an episode where she gets fired for wearing short t-shirts that exhibit her fat belly and sides and the boss, Larry, feels disgusted by it.

This is her Headshot from her IMDB profile.

Now of course the "joke" is on F&B because they don't know that she is in fact "not beautiful". So before they meet her they are confident that they will win the case. She is their client. And when they meet her they totally want out of the case. To add to their paranoia, Jennifer works at this magazine where every woman is literally a walking-talking 6 feet tall model.

So of course immediately my interest in this episode doubles. I am excited to see how they will handle this story. I am thinking they would go in the following direction:

This woman was fired because she was "too beautiful" to work there, but then it turns out that that was the company's way to fire her because she in reality isn't pretty enough to work there.

So a fairly simple story I'd say. But then we meet Jennifer and she has a great personality. She is upbeat, confident and truly thinks that she IS beautiful. And even perhaps a little more beautiful than these other woman at her company, but not by much (she likes to say). NOW I am really excited to meet this character. Part of me thinks - She is crazy and deluded to think how she thinks. (Yes I am biased. Shame on me). Then part of me wonders...what if she TRULY does believe that she is beautiful. And my brain is having a hard time with it. Cuz my brain says how can a sane, smart woman in today's age who looks like Jennifer/Jillian believe that she is as beautiful (if not more) as the models. So....I continue to watch in intrigue.

My husband is watching with me and he believes that this is how the story is going to go:

She is so confident and charming that in fact it was her inner beauty and her strong eye contact that feels threatening to the other women around her. They fail to understand why men stare at this Jennifer all the time. And this is the "too beautiful" to work here reason.

I got very excited now. Yes!!! THAT would be exciting. That this woman somehow escaped all the awful body-image issues we deal with. Somehow her sense of self was not attached to a size zero body etc. Oh that right there is my ideal woman. So, now I am really into the episode. Can't wait for F&B to feel her magnetism and be pulled into it and .....gosh I don't know what I expected.

Needless to say none of that happened. Well, not exactly. Turns out that the reason she was fired had nothing to do with the way she looked. That in fact her boss fired her because boss's father (true owner of the company) thought of Jennifer as a daughter. And the 'real' daughter felt jealous but wouldn't play/hangout with her father like Jennifer did. Boss's daughter wouldn't take off her heels to play ball, for instance. So, Jennifer was fired.

What????!!!!! Really? Way to give up on a fantastic opportunity to tell a great story(if it was what I imagined it was going to be that is...no matter how idealistic and fantastical that might have felt to some). The Jennifer that was introduced to me in the beginning of the episode---I wanted to be friends with that woman, I wanted to be that woman. She could walk tall and look into men's eyes without feeling fat/unworthy/loser/etc.

Well, the writers and Exec Producers of the show clearly don't care to rock my world. But oh that they could have.....Oh the possibilites.....Oh the missed opportunity.

Had to share this video by this young woman. Awesome!

2011-06-18T15:44:00.000-04:00

Too scared to venture in

2011-06-16T16:27:00.000-04:00

It has been too scary to get back to blogging about body. Why? Because writing about it, thinking about it bring it to the surface in an uncomfortable way. Not that it is ever COMFORTING to think about my body. But at least when I don't think about it I don't think about it. I may subconsciously be thinking about it all the time but .... its like that background program running on your computer. It loads up when you start your computer and keeps humming away in the background, affecting the overall CPU performance.

But if I stay away from the dialogue then how am I affecting positive change? Right. So, I am back.

A few things got my attention today. Here is one of them.


Dove beauty ad

So, one would start out as a black woman with not so good skin and by using this product become a white woman with smooth skin. Why? Do all white women have beautiful smooth skin? Do all black women have bad skin? Does this shower get product contain bleach? And why would I want to be white? Do I need to be white to feel good about myself? Truly disturbing. I learnt about this photo from the following blog (http://www.laurietobyedison.com/discuss/)

The day gets better. Check out this Yoplait commercial. So if you have been dieting and feeling good about yourself and look as thin as the women in this commercial...guess what? You are gonna feel fat once you watch this commercial. Because CLEARLY you are not thin enough still.

Then there is this video which I am not even sure how to process.

So, when I first came across this I thought wow! Empowered and empowering teens. Yes we need that.

Then I looked at the girl and thought - really? YOU are supposed to be the "fat" "non-pretty" one? Then I am the ugliest there can be.

Then I went...woah woah...back off. This girl FEELS these things. You cannot judge that. And this is probably also the more PC response.

BUT I can't help but feel jealous about how she looks and feel resentful that the issue of body-image is in her hands. Or I should say in her hands ALSO.

If you are reading this blog and have made it this far....what do you think? I want to be a better person but....hmmm.

Bollywood A-listers are doing tummy tucks

2011-06-03T15:42:00.000-04:00

Traditionally, Indian women have knowingly or unknowingly flaunted their navel, thanks to the sari. No one embodies this better than Savita Bhabhi, the online porn creation, who embodies the fantasy Indian housewife, with a penchant for young neighbours and travelling salesmen. "It's a return to tradition," says art writer Deepanjana Pal, "but a cinematic rather than artistic one.

To Bikini or Not to Bikini

2011-06-02T19:26:00.000-04:00

Summer is here and the "Bikini Bod" is in high demand. Here is an interesting read:

Happiness is a state of undress: why it’s time to stop worrying and love the bikini ...

You know the dream where you are at the office, or walking down a busy street, and you suddenly realise you are completely naked? The dream is supposed to be about shame and inadequacy, but I’ve long suspected that it’s really about beach holidays. They can strike an unseasonal chill into the female heart, because—unless you’re a cabaret artiste or a model—a bikini is the most revealing thing you are ever likely to wear in public. For many women, the prospect of a beach holiday is like getting an invitation to a wonderful party with fantastic people in a beautiful setting, and then seeing that it says “dress: underwear”.

Read the full story here
Rebecca Willis is Associate Editor at Intelligent Life. Illustration: Bill Brown

Mustache speaks up

2011-02-14T19:16:00.001-05:00

Women have an antagonistic relationship with their facial hair. While facial hair make a man A MAN. Facial hair make a woman a man also. Or so women are to believe and hence spend their entire lives fighting this "home-grown terrorist".

What if our facial hair could talk to us? Ever wonder how our mustache feels? I think he might say something like this..........

Hello ladies! I am The Moonch. I surround your luscious lips. I give definition to your lips. When the gentle sweet breath from your nostrils touches my every pore…in and out. In and out. I bristle with excitement. And when you have a runny nose I protect your lips from a direct hit by your nasal fluid. I take a hit for you baby. Why you no love me? I am important. I make you look powerful. Women with The Moonch are feared. With all this talk of women’s lib why do you not want to embrace me?

A few of you wear me with pride. The other day I saw one of you standing outside Traders Joe wine shop. She wore me with inch long pride. She loves me, flaunts me, embraces me. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen on a woman. If that woman is in the audience tonight, I LOVE YOU.

Then there are those of you who go to this place which can only be described as a butchery for facial hair. There they have tools like threading, tweezing, bleaching, waxing, creaming etc....

Then there are those of you who try to commit infanticide on me in your homes. Your tools- creams, razors. You see I'm not safe anywhere. Even a hint my existence sends you into a tizzy. You go kamikaze on me. With those extra magnifying mirrors you sit down under harsh light with tweezers in hand. If I didn't know better I would think you're looking for Osama in the mountains of Afghanistan. Not that your skin looks rough like the mountains.....

You keep looking for ways to kill the innocent, well-meaning me. But my nature is such that I try not to take it personally. I forgive and continue to force myself to grow even though I’m unwanted. Do you know how it feels to be unwanted, unappreciated, unloved? I don’t think so. Because you are not The Moonch with an N. It’s a good thing I have a tough skin and I don’t die so easily. I get reincarnated. I suppose I am more Hindu than Hindus. They believe in reincarnation, they think it exists but they have never really experienced it themselves. I am a living proof of reincarnation. I live incarnation. I live IN incarnation. I might as well be a Hindu God.

But I digress. Look I'm here to make peace. You have found many ways to attack me but I've been quiet. Patient. But resilient. My resilience may remind you of Shahrukh Khan in Darr. My love for you is like his love for Juhi Chawla or like Glenn Close’s love for Michael Douglas.

I love you. So I'm here to plead with you. I've heard that you've come up with a new tool to get rid of me. And apparently this one is a sure shot at killing me. I don't want to die. Please...no electrolysis. No..... LASER! No ELECTROLYSIS!

We can work something out. I will grow slowly- how about that? So instead of dealing with me every other day, you'll have to deal with me only once a week......ok once in two weeks....ok once a month but I can't slow down any more than that. What do you say?
Silence? Silence?...Sounds like your resolve to kill me is resolute. Fuck! Come on don't push me. I'm desperate. I need you to want me, to keep me, to nurture me. Ok may be not nurture but……. Come on....I’m not so bad.

Looks like you are not going to stop your assault on me. Well in that case I have no choice but to go rogue. You are turning me into an extremist. It’s the fight for survival. I finally understand those terrorists. They are left with no choice just like you are leaving me no other choice. Enough, I say enough. That’s it. I am going rogue. I pledge to grow SO fast and furious that you will not be able to keep up with me. As you grow older, I will grow stronger. You can try to eradicate me baby, but I am a lover gone crazy. My love for you is till death do us part. Like Patrick Swayze I will haunt you. Like Shahrukh Khan I will stalk you. And like Glenn Close I will boil your pet rabbit. I am your Bunny Boiler baby! Bring on the lasers! The Moonch is ready for you now. Proceed with caution!

The Ugly Meter

2010-11-30T21:01:00.000-05:00

Now there is an App for i-phone that will tell you if you are ugly or not- according to "it".

Did you know that from the late 1860s until the 1970s, several American cities had ugly laws making it illegal for persons with "unsightly or disgusting" disabilities to appear in public. Some of these laws were called Unsightly Beggar Ordinances. The goal of these laws was seemingly to preserve the quality of life for the community, similar in spirit to current homeowners association regulations and by-laws. Here's the Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ugly_law

I don't even know what to say.According to a news report on NBCDFW.com The New Face of Anorexia is Older Than 30. A Dallas doctor says he's treating more people who are older than 30 for anorexia than ever before. Watch this:

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcdfw.com/video.

While at the same time today on the news I saw that eating disorders in young kids and teenagers have been reported to have increased 50%.

This is why I wrote Bodylogue.

Diet & Depression

2010-11-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

By Dr. Christian Reichardt

The Problem: Depression

The Cause:
1-Trans-and saturated fats can prevent the brain's neurotransmitters from working properly.
2-Low-carb, high protein diets cause a drop in serotonin, which are the "happy" neurotransmitters that are produced by low -index carbs!

Sounds like the diets that were very popular over the last 15 years can contribute to depression, one of the leading health issues in our society! Coincidence? I think not!!

That is why I recommend as many fresh, low index carb foods as possible! It keeps the body balanced and is good for the brain!! This is an aspect of health that is relatively easy to implement into your daily life!

Back to the beginning or Starting in the reverse

2010-08-21T22:52:00.000-04:00

I am 1 week shy of completing 4 months without blogging here. Thought about writing many times but somehow I just didn't make it. So then why now? Well, I have little more perspective on things and feel like I can write something more cohesive than I could have before.

So much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I have not been dieting for a little over a year now. It was my commitment to my play, Bodylogue. I just couldn't in good conscience. Things have shifted a bit. I am now in Los Angeles. This city intimidates the hell out of me. After doing Bodylogue in NYC I thought I have a better handle on my body-image issues. Well, no better way than to test it than to go home for a wedding and having to get blouses altered because they were stitched when I was dieting. The good thing in India is that you can be a bit over weight and wear shalwar kameez and still look trendy. This all changes when I come to the US. Here I can't really wear Indian clothes all the time. Not that I don't want to, but my profession is such that I cannot.

So, back to wearing jeans. And in the past year I have realized that I don't enjoy wearing jeans. They are the most uncomfortable clothing item one can possess. If they are not fitted jeans you can't wear them. If they are fitted, they look good and easy as long as you are standing. The moment you sit down the waist-band and the button digs into your stomach and no matter how thin you are, it gives you a nice roll of fat. And god forbid if you were wearing a fitting top. Now in the sitting position all you will do is pull and tug on your top to make sure your newly acquired roll of fat can be hidden. Not to mention the discomfort of the waistband and the button digging in. I acquired a pair of prego jeans sometime ago (no I am not pregnant). And they are the most comfy jeans I have ever.....EVER worn. My god....why can they not make those kinds of jeans for all women?

Anyway, I digress. So, here I am in Los Angeles and guess what? As we say in Hindi "mere confidence ki to watt lag gayi hai". For non-Hindi speakers, it means my confidence has gone to shit. For the month that I have been here I have been trying to avoid accepting the fact that I feel this way. But enough is enough. I cannot deny anymore.

Oh a little tangent here: my lovely husband has been losing weight this summer and guess what I have had a tough time being happy for him. I felt pretty awful that I didn't rejoice in his joy right away. Instead I felt jealous and .....well you know how it goes. So....as we say in Hindi this is like "jale pe namak chidakna". For non-Hindi speakers it means to put salt on an open wound.

Okay back to me now. So, now that I am done denying that I feel not-so-presentable to the world, what next you might wonder....Well, I have decided to go on a "diet" again. Yes I know......wrong from many many perspectives. But here is how I have justified it to myself.

Most important is to feel confident. I don't know what Los Angeles is like. I still only have preconceived ideas about its people who all are (as a douche-bag agent likes to call them) God-send. When I walk around here in my "keep-it-real" NYC clothes I feel like one of the Mexican maids that works in rich people's houses here. May be my NYC clothes were not very trendy to begin with, but at least I didn't feel......oh wait....even in NYC I felt shitty....hmmm.....looks like I just got caught in my own trap.

Start again- my big idea is that I will diet and that will make me confident. When I am confident I will go hunt for work. When I get work I will feel more confident. When I feel more confident that will make me relax and I can get off the diet. And perhaps then....I can feel at peace. hmmm....having written it out now .....me thinks this is a shitty plan. But at least it is A plan.

If you are reading, you are one of the very few that do, I am sure you think I have gone crazy. Well, I agree with you. I also think I have gone crazy.

Oh as for doing Bodylogue in Los Angeles......yeah....still need to work on that plan.
Thanks for reading.

Who do you side with? Lane Bryant or ABC/FOX

2010-04-27T23:49:00.001-04:00

Below is the latest debate that brings the size of the female body into focus. Read and watch below as you please. Personally, I was out-raged when I read that FOX and ABC refused to air the ad. But then I saw the ad (video below) I wasn't sure anymore. Here's why: the ad IS racy. Just like the Victoria Secrets bra ads are. And I have a basic issue with sexualizing the female body to sell products. So, here is Lane Bryant selling their product by "using" the female body. On one hand it is great because we see that bigger women can also be "sexy". But was saddens me is the narrow understanding of the word "sexy". Why does it have to mean fewer clothes and posing in sexually provocative ways? So,....with these mixed feelings I share the news report and the Lane Bryant ad itself.

Lane Bryant Says ABC and Fox Didn’t Want to Air Their Lingerie Commercial

Plus-size label Lane Bryant created a commercial for their new Cacique line of lingerie, which the label claims Fox and ABC agreed to air but then didn't really want to. Lane Bryant suggests they have an unfair issue airing images of curvy women in lingerie, while they have no problem with Victoria's Secret's racy ads. The company posted a little rant on their blog, alleging that ABC "restricted our airtime" and refused to air the ad during Dancing With the Stars. Meanwhile Fox, they say, "demanded excessive re-edits and rebuffed it three times before relenting to air it during the final ten minutes of American Idol, but only after we threatened to pull the ad buy."

"Yes, these are the same networks that have scantily-clad housewives so desperate they seduce every man on the block — and don't forget Bart Simpson, who has shown us the moon more often than NASA — all in what they call 'family hour.' ... Does this smack of a double standard? Yep. It does to us, too."

Bryant says the networks had a problem with the cleavage in the ad, which you can watch below. We don't see that it's much different from a Victoria's Secret ad. The girls don't have fans blowing in their faces or vampy shadow effects or sexy jazz hands or aggressive synchronized walks like VS ads do. Sure, they have bigger bosoms. But as far as raciness goes, it doesn't feel more shocking than anything else on TV. The tans and styling on Dancing With the Stars could probably use more toning down than this commercial.

Breathe breathe

2010-04-22T20:47:00.000-04:00

Breathe breathe...in the face of racism.
Breathe breathe...in the face of ugliness.
Breathe breathe...in the face of superiority.
Breathe breathe...in the face of priviledge.
Breathe breathe...in the face of ignorance.
Breathe breathe...in the face of ridicule.
Breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe.

Bodylogue's fabulous journey

2010-04-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

Bodylogue's fabulous beginning...

Our third performance was also sold out.

People laughed and felt touched by the play.
The play is sparking conversations about body-image.

We couldn't have asked for more.
Thank you for making Bodylogue a success.

To follow Bodylogue's journey, connect with us through the Bodylogue blog: http://bodylogue.blogspot.com/

We hope to take this play to the young girls/women who need it the most. Help us if you can...

Here's how you can help:
We want to share Bodylogue with teenage girls and conduct a post-performance workshop that incorporates creative drama techniques.

We want to:

give them a platform to question what they absorb from media.
engage them in a dialogue about how they feel about their bodies.

encourage them to take action towards a positive self-image.

Here are 2 ways you can help us accomplish our ultimate goal:

You can help by connecting us to arts-in-education programs in schools or community organizations that work with young women.
You can make a Tax-deductible donation. You can go to www.bodylogue.com or directly to Fractured Atlas website.

Bodylogue is a sponsored project of Fractured Atlas, a non-profit arts service organization.

Airbrushed Or Different Body Altogether?

2010-04-19T10:59:00.001-04:00

Kimora Lee Simmons. Really??!!!!

As the second show of Bodylogue concluded last night, I have received so many notes from people saying how much of the material resonated with them, regardless of their own ethnic background. And I wake up to see this photo and am reminded why Bodylogue resonates so much. It is painful to see this photo and the message it is putting out there.

Thanks to everyone who came to the play last night. It was SOLD OUT. We had to put extra chairs. And we got a STANDING OVATION.

If you are one of the people who came to the play last night, THANK YOU. And also to remind you that if you want to help us share this play with young girls/women around the country, please consider making a Tax-Deductible donation by going to www.bodylogue.com and click on the Support/Donate icon on the bottom right hand corner of the homepage.

First big step in Bodylogue's journey

2010-04-15T11:34:00.000-04:00

First and foremost I want to thank FRANCESCA MANTANI ARKUS. Without her this play would be nowhere.

She said YES when I only had an idea.
She said YES when all I had were a few pages of journal entries.
She said YES when many had said no to developing this play with me.
She said YES when I could offer her no money in return for her time and talent.
She said YES when there was just an empty space.

But she said YES and I am eternally thankful to her. We met for a meeting on April 28th, 2009 & our first rehearsal was May 14, 2009. So it has been a year.

This play is a turning point in my life. I can feel it. I am not sure how it will manifest itself in reality, but I know I am changed for good through this experience.

Two more performances to go.

Thanks to all the friends and family for their support. Especially my family in India who are a big part of this play.

Bodylogue featured in Current TV's coverage of SWAN Day, DC- 2010

2010-04-13T21:31:00.002-04:00

Deepti talks about Bodylogue

2010-04-12T12:07:00.001-04:00

Don't look at me without make-up

2010-04-05T08:35:00.001-04:00

I was buying bottled water at Grand Central & a young woman says "excuse me. Were you in that drama Malal? I watched it religiously." I paid for the water and said "Yes. Take care" as I walked away.

I felt like I must have disappointed her. In Malal, I had make-up, good camera work etc to help project an image. And here I was no make-up, in very very regular clothes, totally non-TV-star like. I wanted to hide.

Thoughts in my head:
She must think I'm ugly without make-up.
I should always have make-up on.
I must look fat to her.
I'm such a disappointment to her & myself.

There is joy in being recognised but also fear of what people will think when they see the real me. Hmm....

The Price of Beauty

2010-04-04T22:38:00.000-04:00

Jessica Simpson has a new show on VH1. I have seen 2 episodes in the hope that the show might actually be addressing what the title of the show suggests it will address. No surprise then that I am disappointed. They went to India and it couldn't have been more superficial.

My husband said, "Why are you expecting more from VH1 and Jessica Simpson? Of course the show is fluffy." I agree with him, nonetheless I was hoping that perhaps PERHAPS this would really be about beauty and what is also the opposite of beauty in societies. I don't mean that anyone is ugly, but I mean that every culture and society has its own version of ugly. The price of beauty is paid by those who feel the need to compensate for something by lightening their skin or getting boob jobs or nose-jobs and what not.

Well, here is another show that stereotypes all cultures yet again and what a waste of an opportunity and money. Its a shame.

Sweet calves

2010-03-30T17:33:00.001-04:00

Just remembered a weird dream that made me very happy in my sleep while I was dreaming it.

In a skirt/summer dress I was standing on a bridge over a river. Some random guy suddenly stopped and asked to look at my calves.

Now my calves are fairly non-existent in the world of stair-master etc that help build beautiful, round, chunky calves. My husband has those calves to die for. I, on the other hand, have what my husband & I call chicken legs. So you can imagine the calves I have.

So...back to the dream. The man stopped & made me show him my calves. He bent down & took a good look.
He stood up & said, "what beautiful calves.
I said, "come on! Really? No!"
He said, " No really such amazing calves."

I turned & looked at my calves & they were not bulky or round or anything. They were just my regular calves. I looked at him in confusion.

He said, "I love your calves."

The conviction in his voice made me believe him. My face struck this wide smile & the following words came out of my mouth, "Wow! I have great calves."

India's unbearable lightness of being

2010-03-23T07:45:00.003-04:00

This article was written by Shantanu Guha Ray for BBC.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8546183.stm
-----------------------------------------------------------
It is being called "Snow White syndrome" in India, a market where sales of whitening creams are far outstripping those of Coca-Cola and tea.

India also has the world's second most lucrative marriage industry - the first being neighbouring China - that has grown to a whopping $40bn a year spent on weddings, dowries, jewellery etc.And demand for fair-complexioned brides and grooms to grace these occasions is as high as ever. Fuelling this demand are the country's 75-odd reality TV shows where being fair, lovely and handsome means instant stardom.As a result, the Indian whitening cream market is expanding at a rate of nearly 18% a year. The country's largest research agency, AC Nielsen, estimates that figure will rise to about 25% this year - and the market will be worth an estimated $432m, an all-time high.With the Indian middle class expected to increase 10-fold to 583 million people by 2025, it looks as if things will only get better for the cream makers.But there have been questions by medical experts about the effect of these creams on the skin.

Brand ambassador
The implicit assumption by many is this: the whiter the skin, the more attractive you are.

India's skin-lightening cream industry gets ever more lucrative

John Abraham, a top Indian actor and model, says: "Indian men want to look better." And he should know. The market is booming like never before. Launched way back in 1978, Hindustan Unilever's Fair & Lovely is the leader in women's lightening skincare, while Calcutta's Emami group leads the male equivalent with its brand, Fair And Handsome. The company calls this brand - launched in 2005 - the world's number one fairness cream.
It achieved sales of $13m in 2008-09 and has Shah Rukh Khan, another Bollywood superstar, as its brand ambassador. And then there are female stars endorsing similar products. Katrina Kaif, naturally fair, sells Olay's Natural White while Deepika Padukone sells Neutrogena's Fine Fairness range. Sonam Kapoor sells L'Oreal's White Perfect while Preity Zinta, once a top star, endorsed Fem's Herbal Bleach.

If you apply anything on the skin, there will obviously be side effects

And there are many brands on the shelves to choose from: lightening, brightening, clearing, whitening, anti-pigmentation, freshening, anti-dullness and even illuminating.
"India is on a fairness hook, everyone wants to look fair," says Mohan Goenka, director of the Calcutta-based Emami group, whose Fair and Handsome brand for men was the first of its kind in the market.

A recent study by Hindustan Unilever showed how men in southern states like Tamil Nadu, Kerala, Andhra Pradesh and Karnataka are fervent purchasers of whitening creams. For example, Tamil Nadu has been recording - for the past year - the highest number of sales for Narayanan, a skin-whitening cream from the Unilever stable. Another report in the daily Economic Times says sales of skin-whitening cosmetic products were also high in tribal-dominated states like Jharkhand and Chhattisgarh. "The market in India is huge, really huge," says a Procter & Gamble spokesman. Experts say that demand has boomed because of the tendency to discriminate against a person's skin colour, a practice that is still widespread across rural India.

Steroids
"But if your complexion is fair, you avoid that pinch. Everyone in India wants to be fairer. At times it is repulsive, worse than chalking of geishas' faces in Japan, but everyone wants to have a jar or tube of skin-whitening cream," says fashion designer Rohit Bal, who has dressed Bollywood actresses and visited the sets of reality shows.

Demand for fair complexioned brides and grooms is at a high

As a result, the products - priced between 50 cents and $150 a jar/tube - are in great demand countrywide.
No study has ever been done to discover what "fairness in four weeks" achieves. Worse, there are several controversies attached to such products. "If you apply anything on the skin, there will obviously be side effects," says Rues VK Sharma, head of the dermatology department at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences. "Very few know that many of these creams contain steroids. Whatever doctors say will always be a drop in the ocean, as advertisements flooding the market have a far larger impact on the minds of people."

But companies say otherwise. "We are not selling steroids and to date the company has not been involved in a single lawsuit where someone has blamed us for messing up their skin. Our products are lab-tested and we vouch for it," says Mohan Goenka of the Emami group.

March 22nd, 2010- The Washington Post

2010-03-22T09:24:00.000-04:00

Bodylogue is part of the SWAN Day celebrations in DC on Saturday, March 27th, 2010.

Washington Post likes what we are doing. The article mentions me.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/21/AR2010032102808.html

Tall and Thin

2010-03-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

So in the subway again. A tall & thin Asian-American guy sitting opposite of me and my instant thought? "He MUST be a model." Who knows if he was or not. He had a small back-pack. May be he was just going to college & has nothing to do with modeling. I caught myself in this moment & looked around hoping to see another Asian-American man. Hoping that no matter what he would look like I'd say he can be a model too.

Well, I saw an average height Asian-American man who was normal weight. NOT fat by any means at all. And my first thought? "mmm....not a model." Needless to say I'm bothered by my own thinking. But also how deeply we are conditioned to judge & think about people.

My next thought was am "I" the only one that thinks this way? Do I think this way because I'm an actress? People have asked me if I would've wanted to do Bodylogue in case I wasn't an actress. So, my question is to the people who are non-actors and not in the media. Do they also think this way? Does it bother them that we as a culture are led to believe tall & thin is sexy & beautiful & all the rest mostly just bearable? I wonder.

REPOST: Take a compliment

2010-03-15T21:18:00.001-04:00

Today & last week Thursday I had to wear make-up because I had to go on an audition. Both days friends complimented me on how "pretty" "beautiful" "nice" I looked.

My first response- " so other days when I don't wear make-up I don't look pretty & beautiful?"

Second response- "why is it that I have to be in make-up for people to think/say I'm pretty?"

Third response- "yeah I don't like to do make-up & hair but I had to because of an audition."

I failed to take the compliment that my nice friends gave me. Instead I attacked them with negative comments.

To those friends I want to say- "I'm sorry. I don't doubt your intention to compliment me & you perhaps 'always' think I'm beautiful. Make-up or not. This is deep-rooted for me & I struggle with it. To be complimented when I wear make-up means little to me because I think that make-up can make "anyone" look pretty. So to me the compliments reinforce how unpretty I think I am without make-up. I'm sorry that I'm unable to simply say thank you. Thank you for the appreciation. Hopefully you'll give me compliments on without-make-up days as well"

The lonely little brown girl

2010-03-09T13:16:00.001-05:00

On the 1 train. Middle of the afternoon. Two young boys 6 or 7 years old were sitting playing some kind of game involving hitting each other's hands with their fore-fingers. Cute- I thought.

Then as the seat next to them became empty they decided they'd like to move to the other end of the seats where the rest of their friends were, but someone came & sat down nxt to them in the meantime & they looked so disappointed. I said to them that if they asked the gentleman he might move & let them go near their friends. They asked, the guy got up but then I heard a male voice forbidding the boys from moving. So they stayed. The voice was that of an Asian-American man. He was their teacher it seemed because when I turned around he was with another small group of young boys.

Amused by the kids I stood where I was & out of curiosity looked over to see the friends of the boys that they had wanted to go sit next to. That's when I saw her. This little brown girl in a burnt orange sweater sitting by herself. The other set of boys next to her were playing amongst themselves. She was sitting with her dangling legs & a bored and lonely exprssion. I looked around & assessed that they were all a group of 6 or 7 year olds traveling with the Asian-American man. But non of the boys were playing with this girl. Her sweater, the design on it, told me that she is South-Asian. I felt sad for her. I wondered what would happen as she grows up? How will she learn to survive in the world of men? What is shs learning from these boys about her place in the world? I'm worried for that girl. May she find inner strength.

Memory of a Photograph

2010-03-06T11:25:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday I was at a photo shoot. I was one of the "models"/"talent" for this product. They did my hair and make-up. Kelly is the name of the make-up artist. She was wonderful and did a great job. So when I arrived on the set to shoot I was feeling a little nervous because I wanted to make sure I deliver what they want. We started shooting and the photographer was this tall, white, blue eyed guy. He was very nice and engaged me in a dialogue/conversation as we were shooting. So I didn't feel like I was "posing" I was just talking to him. Now the reason I am talking about him is that after he would click a photo or a couple of photos, he would say "great", "excellent". Of course it made me feel great. I really started thinking I must be looking like a "MODEL". I felt attractive. So, then I peeked and looked at the photographs at the end of the session and I wasn't looking bad in the photos, but I didn't look like I was a "MODEL". My shape, my look- nothing looked like a model. I looked older and non-model-like. And suddenly all the feelings of elation went away. I felt stupid for feeling good earlier when Dylan, the photographer said those positive words. I didn't feel old or unattractive when we were taking photos, but the photos made me feel old and unattractive. The shoot ended and I came home, but I have been thinking about this. Why did I not appreciate the photos? Perhaps I believe that if someone's photo is taken they better look like a model. Anything else is unacceptable and ugly. May be we just need to be bombarded with photos of regular, supposedly "unattractive" people so we can accept ourselves and each other better. Do I think my loved ones look ugly in my family photos? No but my eyes to examine who looks the most "Model-Like". We need to stop that. There is no other way for me to say that. May be Dylan did think I looked good and was genuine in his encouragement. I am sure he was. But I suppose when you have low self-esteem even a little positive thing can help a lot and even the tiniest negative thing can put you in the downward spiral.

Another thing happened on the set yesterday. Kelly and I started talking. She has 2 sons. 11 and 13 years old. She was telling me how young girls these days are so forward. Her son was receiving messages from young girls in his class telling him what they would do and were willing to do in the yard etc... Kelly thought girls these days are so forward. The thought in my head was...what is making these girls seek a boy's attention so much. I realized it is the same thing that was making me feel insecure and seek Dylan's approval. My self-image in that moment depended on him, entirely. But when I looked at myself....my negative thoughts took over. So, these young girls are willing to do whatever it takes to get attention and feel better, feel accepted, wanted, desirable, attractive. This thought made my resolve to do BodyLogue re-awaken. Yes, I had been wondering if what I am doing and wanting to do is really worth it. Who cares! What's the point! It is a silly little play!!! blah blah.....But hearing about these young women made me commit to the play again.

The other thought I have about the young girls Kelly mentioned- may be these girls are expressing their sexuality. May be they are more free and open about their sexuality. May be. I hope that is the case, but a voice in me says that's not the case. I don't think women have truly still learned how to express their sexuality. Like I have said before...I don't even know what it means in totality and what it look like to express it. What I do understand is that sexuality is not individualistic...it is based on social cues and surroundings. Sexuality cannot exist in isolation. I wish it did because then we could all go away to the mountains and explore how each of us would express ourselves sexually and sensually. But I am beginning to think that one's sexuality is dependent on what we learn growing up. It is an ongoing process. So by that token....those young girls are probably doing what they think they need to do in order to feel good about themselves. If you think I am incorrect, I would love to hear your thoughts. I want to learn.

Here is an article I found regarding this topic: Sexy, sassy, still in primary school

to LOVE when you cannot

2010-02-27T09:28:00.004-05:00

I realize that I have been writing about what is challenging about the body, my body...but not so much about how (if at all) I am finding ways to love myself in all that I am. So, I wanted to share these two pages from a book Fran gave me. The book is called 'There is Nothing Wrong with You' by Cheri Huber. Reading these 2 pages made me feel like my own insides caressed themselves gently and said "wow its so smooth and sweet in here". :) I hope these pages bring you a little something as well. Enjoy!!

Bodylogue- purchase tickets now

2010-02-26T15:05:00.001-05:00

BodyLogue is Sonu's story of growing up in India, surrounded by negative messages about dark skin, weight and being a woman. Follow her as she travels to Singapore and America where the messages become even more complicated.

Click here to buy tickets
or go directly to the following link:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/producerevent/101756?prod_id=9726

Details
APRIL @7:30PM
Wednesday, 14th
Sunday, 18th
Wednesday, 21st

Performances at The Tank (upstairs space)
354 West 45th Street
New York, NY 10036

I like her outfit but she's ugly

2010-02-21T12:36:00.004-05:00

In the subway again. Heard a young woman make this comment about some celebrity she was watching on her boyfriend's ipod. I immediately turned to look at this young woman. Who was she & what did she look like to make such a comment?

Fair, tall, nor waif like & neither chubby. Normal weight I suppose. Her boyfriend- darker than her. May be even a little shorter than her in height unless he was slouching too much & mis-judged. They were watching this video together & sharing ear-phones.

When I didn't know who she was talking about I thought "how mean she is". But when I learnt that they were looking at some celebrity, somehow I thought "absolutely criticize the celebrity- good for you". And then as I continued to sit opposite from them I kept looking at her. Her face & her body. I wondered what she might have to say about me. I compared myself to her in my mind & thought "well she is younger, taller, fairer & most likely more hip than me". Within seconds she had a higher status even though now I started disliking her comment more & more. I was afraid of her. She could judge me & I would know that she is right.

Women's self-esteem is not only affected by how men in their lives treat them but also how other women in their lives treat them. Role-models are important. When we start thinking of ourselves as responsible to others in our community, we might choose differently.

On that note of responsibility to community- had a great/deep discussion with my director, Francesca Mantani Arkus, the other day. She said "New York is my community & even if I'm in a tough situation I still help others who are in worser situations because life changes on a dime & one day if I'm in need of help I hope someone will step up & help me". Karma - I think that's what she was talking about. Do unto others as you'd like them to do to you. Life can be so simple.

Morning SLIM

2010-02-20T17:42:00.003-05:00

I'm slim in the morning when I wake up & then during the day I get fat. How does that happen? Almost makes me wonder what will happen if I ate very little. I might be able to conserve the slim-ness.

This morning I even had a moment when I admired my tummy & waist. That is rare. The problem though is that the admiration occured because I looked/felt/seemed slim/tight/flat tummied. Usual mornings don't begin with admiration, however they do begin with a feeling of slim-ness. But of course that feeling is fleeting. Goes away as soon as breakfast is eaten. And goes away even more if I don't go number two. The whole day is spent feeling fat & bloated.

How I wait for the day when I would be able to adore my wobbly/non-six-pack/chubby tummy!!!

Strong Woman vs. Woman

2010-02-18T09:06:00.002-05:00

In the Subway. A woman- standing with a wide stance. Very rarely I see that kind of body language from other women. I felt so good to see her. A fellow "strong woman". What??? This is where I caught myself. We feel the need to say strong woman as if 'woman' by itself were to mean weak automatically. I might be arriving to this awakening a bit late. I'm sure other feminists have said something about this.

I've thought of myself as a "strong woman" & have taken pride when someone else has called me that. And it is symantics, I understand. But isn't that important? Every woman (regardless of whether they are considered strong or not) gives birth or can give birth which in itself is no small feat.

To all those "strong women" like me who are out there- can we try to reclaim 'woman' as "strong"? Not sure how....but there must be a way.

Deepti
www.bodylogue.com
To make a tax-deductible donation, please visit bodylogue.com

Barbara Walters or PRECIOUS???

2010-02-12T15:14:00.002-05:00

So the other night on 20/20 I happened to catch Barbara Walters' interview with Jenny Sanford.

Before I begin, a word about Jenny Sanford- She is AWESOME!

Now Mz. Walters on the other hand needs to be banned from interviewing smart women like Jenny Sanford. She asked ridiculous questions that sounded so backward in thought. Mz. Sanford, on the other hand, handled backward thinking Mz. Walters really well. My thoughts and opinion, obviously. Now I was going to write in details about the language Mz. Walters used in this interview that particularly irked me. I have the interview on DVR to make specific quotes. BUT then just now I watched the movie 'Precious' and I have decided to nix Mz. Walters for now and focus on something more beautiful and powerful.

Where do I begin....Mz. Mo'nique took my breath away with her performance. And Gabourey Sidibe is amazing as Precious. Most of all I was struck by the story. Here I am writing a one-woman play about body-image issues and skin color etc...But here are women who deal with these issues in a whole other deeper level. I don't mean to compare experiences because everyone's experiences are valid and affect them how they might. But when life gets impaired so badly by the need to be loved for who you are.....that's truly sad. Mr. Lee Daniels’ direction truly brought me into Precious’ mental landscape. The film and story took me into a world I know little about but see glimpses of on the subway in New York.I am deeply moved by the story and the need to do so much more for women in our societies world over.

The fat biaatch is back + read Post Script

2010-02-11T12:02:00.003-05:00

Yes. She is back. She sneaks up on you. Just when you think you're looking okay....BAM! she attacks. First your brain..no wait. First the body. Hmmm....hard to say. All I know is she is back & she is making me feel very bad about myself.

She chastizes me. But she's the one who also lures me. She says eat & then she says shame on you for eating. I don't think she ever leaves me alone. When I think she's gone..... I'm wrong. She is just sitting in the corner waiting, plotting her next move. She let's me think I'm free of her, and I rejoice. That's what she loves. Attacking me when I'm happy. She will make me think of the thin women around me & say "how dare you be happy. Look at you!"

The fat biaatch is not back. She never left. She's my permanent tenant. She's lived here so long that an eviction notice cannot be issued anymore. Oh Purgatory! Oh Mephistophilis!

POST SCRIPT: I realize that even the title of this post is offensive because I connect the words fat & bitch. I hope that if you are reading this you know that it is about my own body-image issues. Self-love...unconditional self-love is tough. This post or the title is not meant to be an insult to any women. My hope is that women who "feel" fat (whether or not they truly are) will relate to this post. I suppose I should title these inner thoughts something else. BodyLogue is a search for that mental place where I can move away from thoughts like "fat".

Black girl White Barbie

2010-02-07T12:13:00.001-05:00

In the subway going towards Bronx I'm sitting opposite a 9 years old black girl who is combing her white Barbie's blonde hair. This girl's own hair is in braids with several colorful beads at the end of each braid. She is meticulous in doing her Barbie's hair. I get off the train but this fleeting moment is lingering with me.

The girl looked happy. This was her doll & she was playing with it. I wonder....I wonder about how this young girl will grow to understand her own body, skin color & hair. Not that there is anything wrong with the color of the doll's skin. Not that a black girl should only play with black dolls & a brown girl play with only brown dolls. But...dolls are important part of our growing up. Just last night I told my husband that when we have kid/kids I will encourage them to make their own dolls. Sketch the doll they want & then we go to a crafts store & buy things to make the doll with. That way the doll can b a truer expression of the child, whatever the color of the doll's skin. my husband is a white man & I'm brown (wheatish). So...who knows what color our child will choose for his/her doll's skin.

May be I'm prudish

2010-02-03T08:55:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been wondering if I'm prudish. I think in America it is certainly "un-cool" to be prudish. In India, however, it depends on the circle you're in. Older generation would prefer that you're prudish. Especially if you're a girl/woman. The younger generation looks down on you if you're prudish.

I certainly grew up with prudish values around body & display of body. I remember when I was in Singapore I tried to be more daring with my clothing options. In India I was in the "behan jee" category. So in Singapore I was going through a Rennaissance(spelling?). I bought a skirt that had a slit in the front, but on the left thigh. So when you walked your thigh did a wonderful dance for any lustful eye watching. I came home to visit & decided to wear this skirt because now I was cool & hip. When my father saw me in it he had a moment of ....i don't know what to call it, but basically he asked me if that was what I intended to wear outside, on the streets of Delhi. I asserted- yes! & walked out.

Unfortunately, I lived in the non-posh part of Delhi where Western influence arrived a bit later than South Delhi (the POSH area with much Western influence which reflected in the residents' accents when they spoke English). So North-Delhi didn't encourage young women's wearing of spaghetti straps & tank tops or strap-less. Hence, I wonder if I came to accept a very prudish POV. Because even today when I see a woman in a revealing outfit or body hugging outfit, I cannot help but think "wow! You're so desperate for male attention".

I'm sure in some respect I'm wrong. I don't want to think negatively about someone's intentions. Diversity of dressing styles, I suppose.

Mini-skirts: expressing sexuality freely or sexual objectification?

2010-01-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

Friends. I am very angry today about female sexuality and how little we understand that phrase. Last night at 1am I typed in the words "female sexuality" into google and hundreds of website popped up about women and sex. I was so disappointed. Female sexuality doesn't merely mean how a woman can have an orgasm, how she communicates with her partner about what she wants. In other words, female sexuality is not just sex related. To me female sexuality is what a woman experiences for herself, not in relation to another person.

It all started over dinner with some friends last night when I said I hate the poster for Mamet's play 'Race'. To me if it is a play about race (I understand the trigger for the play, the event that starts the play is that a white man rapes a young black woman) then why use a woman's thighs and a red sequined dress in the poster. What a cheap choice!! But I was told at the dinner table that 1-what's wrong if they use that...they want to bring the audience into the seats. To that I say okay so then why doesn't everyone just start using pornographic material for posters for everything and bring the audience? I know I am being dramatic. Why are we okay with the use of female sexuality to sell products? It perpetuates objectification of women that already exists. The 2nd thought I was offered was that perhaps that woman in the red short dress isn't being objectified..may be she enjoys her sexuality in a short dress. HHMMMM.....this is when things get really bad for me. So, we are suggesting that a woman's expression of her sexuality in a short red dress is nothing but her expression. The fact that THAT is also how women are objectified in the media....are we just not taking that into account? So....this discussion didn't really resolve. People defending the poster, kept on defending it. I stood by my conviction that the poster is insulting to women. When are women going to speak up?

Mini-skirts started in London in the early 60s. So, perhaps that at time it felt liberating for women to be able to wear these short dresses and skirts because they shouldn't have to hide their bodies or be ashamed of it. But at the same time, unfortunately, it became another way in which men could objectify and sexualize women. So, something that should have had a deeper liberating effect on women at that time, merely became a fashion thing. And men liked that cuz now they could see more skin and perhaps a little glimpse of the Va-jay-jay.

Now,...I am not sure if I am a conservative person or not. I would like to think that I am not a conservative person. If anything I want women to enjoy a kind of freedom that we are still striving for. But body....it is complex. My husband and I argued over this last night on our way home and I wondered if men are totally incapable of understanding what I am talking about? I would like to believe otherwise, so I thought perhaps I need to be clear in my argument and hence this blog. Hopefully, this will help me be concise in what my POV is.

So his question to me was "why do you think that a woman that wears a short skirt or revealing clothes is not expressing her sexuality? why do you think that is bad? May be that is how she expresses her sexual self." I had a tough time with this. So much female expression (of all kinds) is tied into the male gaze that I truly don't know what is pure sexual expression for a woman. I can't think of a woman in my life who expresses her sexuality in a way that isn't about getting attention. I grew up in India, and there we have our own issues with female sexuality. But I feel that in the West, female sexuality has been reduced to being able to wear less and less clothes. Or being able to have an orgasm. So, I fail to understand what female expression of sexuality feels and looks like when it is just for oneself. And I don't mean to masturbate or play with oneself. Sexuality is more than that, as I have said. It is an expression of oneself. Can sexuality exist without the other (whether that other is male or female)? Can it exist for just the person?

I know no woman - virgin, mother, lesbian, married, celibate - whether she earns her keep as a housewife, a cocktail waitress, or a scanner of brain waves - for whom her body is not a fundamental problem: its clouded meaning, its fertility, its desire, its so-called frigidity, its bloody speech, its silences, its changes and mutilations, its rapes and ripenings. There is for the first time today a possibility of converting our physicality into both knowledge and power.

- Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born (1976)

How do we do this conversion? To me wearing short skirts and high heels is certainly not the way to find power. I have heard people say, what is wrong in a woman using her body and her sexuality to manipulate men and getting what they want whether it be in the work-place or at home. Is that true empowerment? It is a survival technique - at best. I think. The fact that a woman cannot make her case on the basis of her intellect and knowledge and instead has to become objectified in order to by-pass the obstacle- to be honest is very sad. I wouldn't call that empowering at all. There are those that think it is.

Confession- I will confess that I do not understand my own sexuality. I don't mean as it pertains to what happens in bed. I am well aware of the dynamics that exist there and the power play that happens. I mean I don't understand my own sexuality as a woman. As it exists when I walk, when I think, when I sit.

Judith Daniluk has written a book titled, 'Women's Sexuality across the Life Span: Challenging Myths, Creating Meaning'. I am going to read it and hope that it will give me some deeper understanding for how to even find my sexuality as a human being, not just as a sexual being.

inspiring artist - Urs Fischer

2010-01-02T20:34:00.000-05:00

Urs Fischer, Noisette, 2009

Mixed mediums, dimensions variable

Urs Fischer, Cupadre, 2009

Fishing line, croissant, and butterfly, dimensions variable

Urs Fischer, Untitled, 2009

Mixed mediums, dimensions variable

Urs Fischer: Marguerite de Ponty
Through February 7, 2010
The New Museum
New York
www.newmuseum.org

All images courtesy the artist; Sadie Coles HQ, London; Gavin Brown's enterprise, New York; and Galerie Eva Presenhuber, Zürich.

Body-wise

2009-12-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

It has been a while and I have many feelings as I write this entry. This has been a monumental year for me as a creative artist. Not only did I act in many projects (good and bad), I also learned what else I can do. I can write and produce. This blog and working on my solo-show has kept me sane this year.

A few weeks ago I did a very small reading of my solo-show. I just wanted to know that it resonates with people. My director, Fran and I got a lot out of that small, intimate reading. I am trying to do revisions and add material and hopefully the play will grow more. This was my first time writing and sharing in a "public" way. And it went well. I also started writing short film scripts. I have 2 ideas/synopsis. I also have a feature I started. Writing is tough. I am humbled.

I have been reading this book titled BODIES by Susie Orbach. I think everyone should read this book. Not only does she talk about the insidious nature of media and its role in our dysmorphic view of our bodies, she also talks about how a mother's own feelings of her body get transfered to the babies. I haven't read the whole book yet, but it has been so educational. It has made me think of my relationship to my body in a new way. Not everyone agrees with her on everything. But she is the current adviser to the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. She is a psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, writer and social critic from London, UK. In fact she was organizing a suit against Weight Watchers International. Read more here.

On another note- earlier this year I found out that I had a torn labrum in my left hip. Over Thanksgiving I got it fixed. Out-patient procedure. My surgeon gave me a copy of the photos taken during the procedure. Here they are.

So, as a result of this problem I had not been able to do much exercise. So, eating, not working out (even though my husband insisted that I could have done something), and working on a one-woman show about body has been an interesting journey for the past 7 months. Needless to say I have put on weight. There are days when I don't understand how one can make oneself feel feminine. And then I even question if and why it is important to feel "feminine". It is a socially constructed idea. I am a woman therefore I am feminine. Why is that not enough?

Or when you have to try on 15 different outfits in order to find one that makes you look the least fat. Or hides your ponch the best. This takes place right before heading to a party or an audition. Imagine the self-esteem plummeting to the depths of the earth (ok..that's a bit melo-dramatic, but it is for effect) right before one is supposed to present this brave and confident front to the people you are about to meet. Too much f*ing work. And totally unnecessary. But it does become necessary. So, when I do show up at the party or the audition my body is all tense because I just gave it tons of messages about how I was ashamed of it. The poor body tries its best to cooperate, but no amount of stiff posture can make the pain go away. Physical and emotional.

Now some of you may be thinking....wow!!! "what a whiny blog". I won't challenge you on that. The fact that this thought even occurred in my brain while writing this is very telling about how there is not enough space for a woman to truly express the distress her own body brings to her. Perhaps it is whiny, or perhaps this is how one feels when feeling trapped. I don't mean to be whiny. I am trying to be honest.

Now, in my post-surgery era, after some physical therapy I should be able to jog, run, dance, and do whatever the hell able bodies people are able to do. Though I have to say from one perspective, not being able to workout due to health reasons was a nice excuse to just eat and put on weight. Not that the intention was to put on weight. But I was off-the-hook in a way. Off this hook that we have all put ourselves on. If we don't claim to friends and colleagues how much we are trying to and want to lose weight by eating salads etc. people think less of you. So, whether we truly like it or not, our bodies are hung by this hook. Because any self-caring and self-aware person would of course be on a diet-plan. WHY? This is an ism.....just don't know what kind of ism this would be called.

On that note....I am going to go see PRECIOUS.

Just wanted to share this

2009-11-12T11:53:00.000-05:00

To those dear friends who read my blog every now and then, here is something my director forwarded to me that I thought was great to share.

Jennette Williams: The Bathers

In collaboration with the Center for Documentary Studies at Duke University, the November 2009 Daylight podcast proudly features Jennette Williams' portfolio "The Bathers." For this collection of images, made within European and Turkish bathhouses, Williams has been named the winner of the 2009 CDS / Honickman First Book Prize (published by Duke University Press).

Here is the VIDEO with IMAGES and AUDIO: http://www.daylightmagazine.org/files/podcasts/Daylight_November2009_Williams.wmv

Who am I fighting

2009-10-21T18:33:00.000-04:00

So...it has been a while.

I have been trying to really focus in and just write my solo-show. I read most of the first draft to my director last Sunday and she seemed happy and encouraged me to continue to work on it further. Then she asked me if I knew what dramatic action was......we talked about that. She gave me a definitition. I understand it as the journey of the character. What the character wants and what are the obstacles in the way that become the structure for the journey. She asked me what it is that the central character of my solo-show wants. I thought about it and came up with an answer that was and is honest to me but takes the solo-show in a different direction....i think. So, I am a little bummed.

Trying to find motivation to continue to work on the current draft before I make the the next draft more specific about what the character wants and the journey. Writing is tough. I admire my husband more now than I did when I didn't write. The dedication it takes, the time and the will-power to keep digging through the story to find the real story that our subconscious mind wants to tell.

I also have written a short film script recently. Consulted my husband on it- well.....it is going to have to go through major re-writes also.....

In the meantime, I am sitting at home, being creative I suppose, but also putting on weighht every day. Its like I am carrying a 3 month old. I don't want to go on a diet, but seems like I am going to have to. It makes me want to become a construction worker. not sure which kinnd of diet I will embark on. Any suggestions???

Not having work is depressing. Anyone has any philosophies on how to take care of oneself during such times? I would love to learn so I can eventually stop driving myself crazy.

Untill then I will try to not fly myself to the Himalayas and become a hermit.

Fiction VS. Reality

2009-10-09T12:52:00.000-04:00

My sister sent me the link to this video and I just had to share. it is incredible. I don't know what else to say.

Muffin Top

2009-09-21T19:07:00.000-04:00

Well yeah....we all know this term & dread it. Hesitantly I tried on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn for a while. Hesitant because I wasn't sure if I would still fit in them.

This summer I went through a rebelion of sorts. No jeans. More skirts & salwar kameez- they make me feel feminine. Also, no dieting. Eating breads & pasta if that's what's for lunch or dinner.

I don't have gym membership- too expensive. I don't like to go for a run in the neighborhood, because I don't like to be seen & judged while I'm a "work-in-progress". Was doing yoga for a while, but my torn labrum didn't allow me to continue. And the discipline to do something at home- well clearly hasn't happened.

As a result, I've put on weight, and now I'm panicking. My old habits are telling me to go on some kind of diet right away. My commitment to my solo-show & to loving one's body no matter what- are getting in the way. I used to wear these jeans without my muffin top....but I also used to not eat pasta & bread etc. I was on a life-long diet, but I told myself it is a life-style choice & is okay.

So now I need to do something that I can feel powerful & good about doing....hmmmm...... May be just buy new clothes that fit me NOW!!! May be this is my true body, but I've been too ashamed of it & have been dieting all this time....to keep it hidden.

How does one know what our true body is? Any thoughts out there???

(Written & sent from Smartphone)

A woman in men's world

2009-09-16T10:01:00.000-04:00

Let me start by what I saw last night on my way home from rehearsal for my one-woman show. A woman dressed in something like net figure hugging short dress. Something like this photo. White & tight, showing off her thighs and legs. She wore high black heels, long hair (don't remember color), with a small purse slinging across her shoulders. Well she was crossing from North side of Queens Boulevard to south side. A few men, young men, Mexican looking men, came down the stairs with me from the subway station. They saw her and I saw them seeing her. I saw the twinkle in their eyes, the look that said "Oh yeah baby!!!". Within a fraction of a second they all, as a group, without saying a word, decided to follow her. And I thought to myself, "I can't believe this. In India this would be commonplace, but in America?" I was a little shocked by this.

Anyways, so I watched them follow her. 4 men following a young woman. She was walking towards, what seemed like to me a dark street, and it worried me. So, I made sure I kept an eye on them. Well, two of them, without wasting any time, were walking very close behind her, and the other two strolled behind as if to watch the action and hoot and holler. Of the two men very close behind her, one of them (from where I was standing and from what I could see) put his right hand on her ass, turned around to get a "I'm the man, Yo!" approval from his buddies. He walked like that for two or three steps and then let her go.

She, in the meantime, didn't react. At all. Didn't flinch when he put his hand on her ass. I do think he did put his hand on her ass. Regardless, she kept on walking. I am sure she knew what was going on, but to give them focus would have only given them more power, I think. So she kept walking....I hope she got home (or wherever she was going) safely. I wonder how she felt and what she was thinking.

As I walked home, I thought...this is like the chicken or the egg.....Did she dress in a way that attracted that kind of behavior? In a way how rape victims are questioned- to make sure their behavior didn't invite the rapist to rape them. I was shocked that I was even thinking it could have been her fault for wearing what she wore. It troubled me that I was thinking this way. Was I jealous of the attention she got? That's ridiculous. they insulted her. Would I want to be insulted? No. But the attention is good. That attention to me says, "You are pretty". Well, that is another thing with body-image issues....your brain makes you think things you wouldn't want to.

Anyways, as I ponder more now I realize that under no circumstances can this be her "fault", or that she didn't "ask for it". This is why- if a man were dressed handsomely....(you all know what an attractive man to you is, so use your own image)...or lets say even a man walking around nude and ....well this is interesting...we don't objectify men the same way....I can't believe I can't even paint a picture of an attractive man. To me the idea of groping a man in the subway, or the street just wouldn't occur. I might find a man attractive...but I wouldn't go stand behind him just so I could touch his junk somehow. May be there are women who would do that. I would like to meet them. They can teach me a thing or two. But the point is...women are not taught to disrespect other people's bodies in the way men are taught to do whatever the hell they want to do.

I can't put responsibility on the woman for wearing what she wore. What is outrageous is that men in our world feel the right to invade a woman's space, and infringe on her right to be and to experience the world as freely as men do.

Following up on the clothing crisis

2009-09-03T00:42:00.000-04:00

Well, those of you wondering what I ended up doing...

I didn't wear the T-shirt. I didn't want to be the only one to be putting on the shirt and there by indicating that which I wanted to hide. I thought suck it up and just do it.

PLUS- I also didn't eat lunch, to make sure my tummy didn't stick out afterwards. I had coffee and we were in strong air-conditioning....meaning? It made me pee more and therefore made me feel thinner and gave me the delusion that I looked fine without the Jacket.

Yes yes...I know not healthy..etc....but I can only fight one battle at a time. This is tiring.....

Until the next body moment......

Clothing crisis

2009-09-02T12:58:00.000-04:00

So I wore my business suit for work this morning. Barely fitting it. Oh well- I thought. May be I do need to watch what I eat just so I don't have to spend money on buying newer clothes.

Well- I get to work & lo & behold my fear stands in front me. Part of the work now involves taking off the suit jacket. So I'm now expected to stand there in my tightly fitted shirt & suit pants, with my panty line showing & my fatness in full glory for all to see & judge.

So needless to say I'm grumpy & angry as can be because I wasn't informed about this change. If I knew I would have chosen clothes accordingly.

Solution? I will be wearing a T-shirt on top of my collar-shirt. Only I will be doing this. Not my other 3 colleagues. They seem to be able to do this taking-off-the-suit-Jacket action with a flourish! So, my putting on the T-shirt will be putting a little more focus on my need to cover up. And that I'm FAT.

Now to make this into a learning moment I should ask myself to not worry about it & just take off the jacket & breathe & let my panty-line show. I would be doing this to prove a point that no one will get because they will be busy judging my fatty body. May be this is not the place to try to make a point. May be I should protect myself. Be gentle to myself. I don't know what I'm going to do yet.

I feel like crying....

The sinking feeling

2009-09-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

So, I have been eating normally these days. As in, not depriving myself any foods. However, I do see that now I am not fitting into some clothes and my panic button has been pushed. I am beginning to slip into will-only-eat-salads-now diet. I am not eating unhealthy, but I am eating. You know what I mean?

Recently it has come to my attention that most people that know me think that I do not have any body issues. When I heard that, I was shocked. Inside my mind I laughed at their ignorance, but then paused....I wondered why they didn't know how much I deal with body-image issues. The most obvious thing I can think of is that I do not talk about my weight issues very openly or any occasion I get. Yes, I do write about it, but I am not one to say to someone, "Gosh I need to lose some weight, look at me....". My weight lose and body-issues are very private to me. Or have been since I started writing this blog. Even writing this provides some distance, which I like. So, unlike a lot of my friends who will tell everyone how much they need to lose etc...I stay mum and instead have a continuous inner monologue going.

May be it is because I am Indian and we don't talk about such things. Or may be it is just me. But to imagine myself through the eyes of these friends who think I have NO BODY IMAGE ISSUES......it feels good....I wish I could feel that way all the time.

I think people need to stop talking openly about losing weight. It puts unnecessary pressure on those who want to enjoy whatever they order. Because if one person is saying they will eat a salad and be sensible, how can you then order french fries and feel good about yourself? You would feel horrible for eating what you are eating.

hmmm......so to go back to the sinking feeling....I have to wear a business suit tomorrow....let me just say, I am dreading it. I know I will spend the whole day feeling fat and literally touching my fat as if by touching something will change & it will magically disappear.

I "know" in my head that I am not fat...well...yeah okay, I am not fat. But then again, being fat is sometimes not just a physical reality, it is also a mental state of being. The amount of energy spent on secretly staying unhappy about one's body is unhealthy. I am working on it.

I am still in shock that people look at me and think I am happy with my body. Ha!

Face Wax & New York Times article on Women in developing countries

2009-08-27T21:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got my face waxed! It is weird sharing this piece of information but here is why it is significant to this blog- I have been feeling "not pretty" and "not beautiful" lately. And my attitude was, "there isn't much I can do about it".

Then I went to get my eyebrows done....while in the chair I thought why not get the side burns, moustache (excuse me upper-lip) waxed.....well why not the whole face. The lady working on my eyebrows was happy because I would be spending more money now. So, there I was with a clean face. She even said how happy my husband would be now that I have a clean face. I don't blame her. She is a South Asian woman who still adheres to many of our cultural values. Because I certainly didn't get my face cleaned for my husband. Even when I showed him my face at night, he looked at me with puzzling eyes that said "woman are you crazy?!!! Why are you jutting your face out like this and what is it that I am supposed to notice that I am not noticing, and if I don't notice it right away I will be in trouble for not noticing....!!!!!" So, yes he was not comfortable with my "guess what is new about my face" question.

Anyways, I bring this up because in a weird way I felt more confident about myself once I did this. It was as if I was one of those women on reality TV who get a shot of botox or something to fix their physical appearance. So, I thought - that's what it must feel like to have your eyebrows lifted and your cheek-bones filled in. The temporary yet strong feeling that I am pretty now. Until the time something else becomes the reason for feeling ugly/non-pretty.

The other thing I want to address is last week's New York Times article on Women in Developing countries. It basically talks about (I haven't read the whole thing yet) need for educating women and empowering them, especially in developing nations. And it is written by By NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF and SHERYL WuDUNN (a husband and wife pair) who have written a book titled Half The Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide. In the light of such a need to make sure we are providing women with education etc....I felt that my show is really only talking to women who already have access to education & have a lifestyle where they can afford to worry about their bodies. But if you live in impoverished circumstances you probably are not thinking about putting on weight. I don't know, but that's my assumption anyways.

But then I also thought, if we can get the educated and working women to stop expending their energy in worrying about diets and what makes them look thin, and instead use it on how they can make the world around them better- this could really work towards helping women all over the world to help each other and educate each other.

To that end, I would say to men- you all need to ask yourself this question that I asked a male friend of mine today= "What are you doing to make the society more respectful towards women? In other words, how are you working towards eradicating the gender biases and gender inequality in our society?" These are important questions. Men should truly ask themselves that. If someone wants to discuss this with me, please send me a note.

Also, in today's world there is more discussion on how to bring up girls, which is much needed. In very stereotypical sense what I mean is do you give them dolls to play with or trucks. But I feel that very few parents go through that debate with raising boys. To me that implies that we are proceeding towards a future where there might be more diversity in what kind of girls and women we see, but men will be just the same. This will definitely not help solve the gender issues. We cannot just change how we raise one group, while allowing the age-old sexist ideas take home in the minds of our young men.

If you are a parent, I hope you will think about what your boy will learn about the world and about the opposite gender.

Well, that's all for now. Do write back if you don't agree with me. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Yes...me cry a river

2009-08-25T12:31:00.000-04:00

So, it has been a while and my regular readers might be wondering what is going on with my one-woman show. Well, I went to Florence, Italy and Paris, France and Toulouse, France just recently. My younger sister got married in Toulouse. :)

Now I just have to say how tough it is to work on a project by yourself without much support or what feels like without a team. Plus on a topic that is so personal and to stay with it and aware of it at all times. I think it has taken a toll on me.

My piece is not just a vanity project. And I need to remind myself of that. But it is also a living breathing piece of theatre. I live the experience as I write and carve it for performance. So, the lack of distance from the subject matter (while it is necessary and it feeds the piece), it also keeps me in it, consistently. Unlike when people write about what happened to them in the past, I am writing about what is happening now and how I am struggling with it. So, I can say the story is about overcoming, but it is tough. I need to give myself that. So, yes I need to take a moment to cry a river. And give myself a pat on the back for doing what I am doing. It is my journey, but I am sharing for the benefit of others like me.

Solutions. I don't know what they are. How does one get over this? I don't know. I try, certainly. And certainly am mostly unsuccessful. Its like one step forward and two steps backwards. How does one move forward?

Bollywood heroine, Lesbianism, Butch, Feminism

2009-07-24T14:00:00.000-04:00

So this morning I was going to a callback and this play I am doing, Sad Mad, has been on my mind. Several things around me these days have been making me think about what I wrote in the title of this blog entry. Bollywood music I have been listening to, talking to female friends who are wondering if they are indeed gay, listening to colleagues about what they think a Lesbian looks like or behaves like. Add to that my own questions about female, body, sexual attractions, nature vs nurture, and sexual orientation.

The video above is the epitome of what is considered feminine, sensual, straight in South Asia. The woman has what's called adaayen- ways in which a woman can entice you, they are subtle and very specific. As I listen to this song and watch the video, I am reminded or I find myself telling myself how i am NOT like her. In my mind, unless a woman behaves in a very feminine-way (not very clear what I mean by that), she is a Lesbian. I know I know. A very narrow perspective on Lesbians. But I am trying to understand the inner workings of my brain, so bear with me.

So, if a woman is not feminine then she must be a Lesbian or if she isn't, one day she will discover she is. That is an interesting and very weird theory I must say. In my mind, any butchy behavior implies Lesbian. Which is why for a long time I have wondered if I am a Lesbian. Well, there you go...I have come out of the "I am wondering if I am gay" Closet. {If you are a loved one reading this, please don't get alarmed. I am fine and love my husband}. These are just thoughts, like excavation of my brain. And I recently did realize that I am indeed a straight woman, with not very feminine ways which had confused me for a long time.

There are more thoughts on this matter. They will become part of the solo-show, which I hope you will come see when it is ready.

Before the half naked woman in the park

2009-07-18T22:36:00.000-04:00

That's right...before I saw that (see the previous post) I was in rehearsal for my solo-show. Just wanted to have a provocative title to this blog post to get attention. Yes yes I know cheap ploy. Shamelessness isn't always bad, especially if it doesn't involve getting naked in public.

So the rehearsal today was EXCELLENT. My director Fran is such a delight to work with. Inspiring, encouraging & supportive. We worked on a composition. We read Brecht to get further inspiration about how to move forward. It is becoming clearer & clearer- the shape & structure of the show.

I'm learning so much from this process about creating with patience, passion & persistence. There's much to be done still, but I know it will be great. I look forward to the day when we can share the work with an audience. Below is something that I used in the composition today.

if you're reading this & would like to STAY UP-TO-DATE about the progress of my Solo-show, you can subscribe by entering your email address in the Subscribe section on the column on your right hand. You can also follow the blog by becoming a Follower like my friend Judson Jones. (Thanks Jud). OR you can write me a personal email & I can send you an update everytime I update my blog.

Thanks for reading.

Woman in Riverside Park

2009-07-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

A white woman in black bikini sprawled in the park in Manhattan on a Saturday afternon.
First thought: ODD
Second thought: Her butt for all the world to see
Third thought: I wouldn't let my kids behave that way.
Fourth thought: But she's enjoying her body. Isn't that a good thing?

To me she seems shameless. Body cannot be taken casually. May be this casual attitude toward body is why people in the West have so many sexual partners. Not that people in India don't have sex or pre-marital sex. But there one is told to stay away from it so when one gets it, it feeds the hunger. But in the West it is no big deal to have sex. For adults. Before marriage. And so there is a casual attitude about one's body. Not enough care for the soul of the body.

I wonder how that woman in the park feels about her body.

PS: These are my perspectives & as my husband put it "very prudish". I own it. And not everyone one in the West is that casual with their bodies. But this is how I see it.

I could be famous if I were pretty

2009-07-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

I have felt this way for a long long long time. I do believe this is true and have been told as such by many a people in the industry. Prettier and less talented actresses (yes yes I can toot my own horn once in a while) get more work and fame than me. True there could be something in my personality and strategy that isn't working. That is also possible.

However, pretty people DO have it easy in this society and all societies in fact. Why? I am sure pretty people don't mind because they get advantage for being pretty. If I were pretty I wouldn't mind the advantage either. I also want life to be easy.

I am sure pretty people will read this and go- "well life isn't easy for me and i don't get everything just because i am pretty, i also have talent". Sure!!! I say cry me a river. Unless you are UN-PRETTY you don't know what it is like. And sure pretty people also have talents. And really it is not their fault that the world is stupefied by prettiness. I blame the people who GIVE advantage to someone who is prettier over someone who is not.

Now, someone may read this and go......."oh my god how self-involved is she!!! She asking fr sympathy. Just grow a pair, be strong and deal with things like an adult". Well, let me just say- I HAVE told myself that many many times. I suppose if it worked it would have worked by now. My husband can and does tell me he thinks I am pretty...........and even though I want to believe it and really embrace his words, I cannot. It is as if I am taking out the anger of the world on him. All those people who have in direct and indirect ways told me I am not pretty.....they make me angry and I suppose my husband doesn't get thanked for his kind words.

I hate the words "pretty" and "beautiful". They make me feel like a Have-Not. I will always be one and it is not something I can control. It is what I was born with. Unless I become rich and spend all my money on plastic surgery to alter and make me pretty......I will always be a Have-Not.

So, what to do? I do try to be okay with myself. It is not easy. I tell myself you are okay the way you are. but I know that I am not. This is why the One-Woman show I suppose. This is why. To tell myself and others we NEED to love ourselves- just the way we are. Tough it is, but we need to find a way.

Getting to know my audience

2009-07-15T17:16:00.000-04:00

It is an important aspect of any medium through which one may wish to communicate with others. The reader, listener, viewer, attendees, & audience.

My audience, my ideal audience is Teenage girls. Because that is the time in a woman's life when she starts understanding (or not-understanding) her body. I'm in my early thirties & I still deal with body issues. I think I'm a smart a intelligent woman & yet I get caught up in what the media serves me & I start disliking what I have. So if I can't figure this out I can only imagine what a teenage girl goes through. As a teenager I didn't have the vocabulary or know-how to understand that my body is fine the way it is. No one talked to meabout what I saw around me & how it impacted me. I wonder if I can facilitate for the teenagers of today a discussion & ask questions & encourage them to ask questions. I don't have answers. I only have experience & what it hs taught me, I'd like to share with those who still are at that stage in life when they can change the wiring in their brain & save themselves from damaging body image issues.

If you're reading this & know of teenagers who you could connect me to, please write to me. I need to get to know my audience. Even as I stand intimidated by them.

Deepti

Great rehearsal today

2009-07-03T22:02:00.000-04:00

Fran & I had a great rehearsal today. She had designed a composition for me to put together. It was a tough one. I didn't think I would be able to pull it off. I was nervous before the rehearsal. Also, we hadn't met in a few weeks so we had been a little out of touch. [part of the game i suppose when there is no money and you have to take care of things that are important]

So, we started witch catching up a little. Talking about Michael Jackson. The composition. Our expectations from it etc. Then she gave me an hour almost to rehearse the composition on my own. I was sweating. I realized how many things were not working for me in the composition. Transitions I hadn't thought about. Elements she wanted incorporated that I had not a clue how to incorporate. But I knew I had to do it and put it all together somehow.

So at 1pm the performance started. Michael Jaskson's Dirty Diana playing for house music. I wanted "Man in the Mirror", but we didn't have it. And then the composition. The details are tough to describe. There was bollywood music, text I have written, Hindi, dancing, I even did a walk like an Egyptian step. Don't know why, but I did. The composition ended in silence.

I can't reveal more than this about the actual work. I don't feel ready yet to share more. However, what I can share some photos of the material that is helping us build this solo show.

Introducing .....Stella...that's what we call her right now...long story....another blog entry...

Below is my binder in which all my work so far is. The Hello Kitty Statue of Liberty is from my niece Lily who colored this especially for her aunty Deepti and had her daddy mail it.

Below is a look inside my binder from today's work.

Here is a close up of Stella.

Here is something for you to ponder over. I can't tell you what this is just yet.....

I am very excited about this One-woman show. If you know are reading this and would like to help me, please leave a comment or email me. I would like to build relationships with High School teachers who might want to engage their students in a dialogue about body image through theatre. Teenagers are my ultimate audience for this show.

What about my One Woman show

2009-07-02T17:55:00.000-04:00

Yes I am working on it. Fran and I took a break because of our other commitments. If anyone knows of theatre companies who wouldn't mind helping us develop this piece, please let me know.

So, we are working on it. Slowly. Every now and then I wonder if it is really important for me to d this one-woman show. And then I remember some advice a fellow actor and also a solo show writer and performer gave me. He said, "this will happen. There will be times when you will doubt the importance of your own work. But don't let it stop you. If for nothing else do it because it is an exercise that will test you as a performer and you will learn a lot". I try to follow his advice. Thank Leon Trey.

I wonder if I have share much about the content of the show. Well it is about being female, being brown and confronting the world we live in. My target audience is teenagers. I want to engage them in a dialogue about evaluating the images the media puts out everyday and how they have a choice about what they absorb. Body image is an important factor, especially for women, and most especially as women grow older. But the trigger of all the body image issues happens in teenage years.

I hear women older than me, younger than me and my age- all of them complaining about their bodies. Including myself. I would like to help stop this self-flagellation. That's what the One-Woman show is for. Wish me luck!

I "get" Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T09:45:00.000-04:00

In January of last year I went to Cancun and on my way back at the airport I was asked to step aside and have my belongings checked and shoes taken off and jackets removed. This was after we had already passed the 2 security check points at the airport. My husband, who is Caucasian, was not asked to step aside by this Mexican man of my coloring. I didn't think much of it at that time, but as my belongings were being looked through by this woman I turned around and looked at all the Caucasian tourists walking over to the aircraft parked right outside, but here I was with my brown skin and was being targeted by another group of brown people.

I felt humiliated like I had never felt before. That day as I sat in my seat in the plane finally, I thought to myself, "I get Michael Jackson". Who would want to be brown or black and be treated badly? No wonder he wanted to change his skin color. I still don't know whether it is makeup or something else. But I understand. I am saddened by his death. I grew up listening to him in Delhi. Many memories of him.... or of me dancing to his songs. I am surprised that I am sad.

The media is talking about his bizarre behavior, the obsession with thin nose and white skin and slim body. It is as thought we are all blind and cannot see the times he was growing up in. I WANT all the things that he was able to have done on him. I have always had a complex about my nose. it is NOT thin, and thin noses are preferable. In my culture and many around the world fair skin is desirable. And thin bodies are idolized in most of the world. And we are still SURPRISED?!! at Michael Jackson? Come on!!! What is bizarre about what he did? I don't think it is bizarre at all. Like I said "I GET MICHAEL JACKSON". I wish I could have said it to him in person. I mean I know that would have never happened. But that day as I sat in my plane I wanted to give him a hug and say-"hey...I get you. I get that you were trying to save yourself from all the hurt. It is just sad that you ended up hurting yourself instead. It is tough to change the world."

I hope that his death is a wake-up call to us. That we change our ways. Embrace each other so no one becomes self-destructive. The society caused him a lot of pain whether we want to accept that or not. May his soul finally rest in peace.!

A slice of pizza can spin me in a downward spiral

2009-06-04T07:45:00.000-04:00

That's right. Yesterday I had a slice of pizza. I had taken a nice healthy sandwich with me for dinner, which I ate. But then my brain/stomach ( sometimes I am not sure which it is) let's eat something else too. Thus began the half hour long search to find something that will satisfy my craving and will cost me the least amount of money because these days I am not making any. Up & down Broadway I went. Between 28th & 23rd streets. From one pizza joint to an expensive Deli (you know even if they look modest their prices are not. Us Asians are business minded people after all).
So I stopped by at Broadway Pizza. Looked at their options. $2 will get me a slice of cheese pizza. I don't like that. I wanted some toppings, but that exceeded my budget. Until this point I didnt realize that my budget was $2. Now that that became clear my search became easier or difficult depending on how you look at it. I walked out of Broadway Pizza and walked over to the Deli i mentioned. (OH- I should mention that while I am parading up & down Broadway with my $2 budget, it is cold and raining in the month of June...go figure...AND .... I had no Umbrella..This is the perfect story...Our heroine - in search- with a mission- odds stacked against her- but she will conquer- she is determined.......hehe)

So, I went to the Deli where everything is priced double. I pick up a package of sweet & sour peanuts. Not really what my taste buds wanted, I realised, but it might have fallen in my budget and I could have convinved my taste buds. But then I asked for the price. It was.......$2.25......Can you believe it? I told you ...EXPENSIVE.......Well, I walked out of there. It was over my budget and I was going to stick to it.

Now, this patch of Broadway, after 6pm, is quite desolate and shops start closing around 5:30pm. All that's open are shops selling perfumes and bags by the dozens. You have seen those. They sell in bulk. So, after the Deli there wasn't anything as I walked down the streets. Now I knew there was a Qdoba (a Mexican Grill Fran introduced me to. It is like Chipotle) on 23rd street very close to Broadway. So, I thought as I walked. I have had their Mango Salad on a day I had money, or felt like I had money. It was GOOD. So, my taste buds started yelling...Qdoba! Qdoba! Qdoba!....Oh my brain was under attack.... It yeilded. I walked over to Qdoba... prepared that perhaps I WILL have to go over budget. After all it was a salad, healthy for me, better than a slice of pizza. So, I asked how much it was. Whopping $8.59!!!!!!!! Jeez..... I thought....I cannot do this. Then I saw they had a bowl of Tortilla Soup for about $4. So, I thought that would be a good compromise. But when I looked at the size of the bowl in which they serve that $4 soup.... I thought No Thanks. The guy behind the counter must be a kind soul. May be he too understands what it is like to have a budget of $2. He said would I like a taste of the soup? Would I? Of course not! I thought to myself. Do you think I am cheap and cannot afford a bowl of soup? But reluctently I took the little sample of soup he poured for me. I didn't want him to feel rejected for trying to do a good deed. So, for his benefit I tasted the soup. It was GOOD! But I told myself that it had too much salt. Not worth spending my $4 & going over budget. So, I walked out and back on Broadway. This time uptown.

So, as I walked back..... I tried to re-evaluate my options. It was the Deli or Broadway Pizza. Well, as I said the Deli was expensive, so I decided to find me something at the pizza joint. Well, I must have been the only customer in their history to take so much time deciding what pizza slice I wanted. I looked at the prices and what that would offer me. Oh when I say it was tough... I mean it was TOUGH. I was going to go over budget....I realized that. But by how much?... And then I thought, well if I am going over budget, might as well just order what looked good. So, I ordered a slice with spinach and cottage cheese and some tomatoes. yeah, I know what you are thinking. That must be an expensive slice. And it was. It cost me $4.25. *sigh*

I was disappointed in myself. Not only did I over-exceed my budget, I was eating unhealthy food. Oh well... I thought to myself. Such is life. I took my slice, mad at the pizza place owner. WEird I know. But I was mad at him for selling such expensive pizza. I walked out in anger. Went to my French class and ate it there. It was OKAY. Not the greatest pizza I have ever had.

Then after the class I left bloated. Whether I was or not, who knows, but I sure as hell felt it. Disappointed.... I took the train to go home. In my neighborhood grocery store I had to stop by to get cereal for our household. Well, what do you know. At the checkout counter, I picked up a box of those small chocolate covered doughnuts. Yeah I know......this was the proof that now I was in my downward spiral. I had given up on being healthy or staying within my budget.

Well, at home I ate 3 doughnuts WITH mint-chocolate-chip Icecream. Yup....now I was deep into it. Feeling bad AND good at the same time. Spent the rest of the night plopped on my couch in front of the TV watching So You Think You Can Dance and watching all those skinny people with toned bodies dancing and flying away...More downward movement at this point in my spiral.

Went to bed feeling defeated. Worried that I will wake up with a puffy face and bloated body. Oh well.........It is the morning now......both of those things are true. I have had 2 doughnuts with my coffee this morning. Yup the spiral has got me tight in its grip right now.....Who knows when I will be free!

Watched a solo show

2009-05-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

So, on Monday I went for a reading of a Solo show by Aladdin Ullah at The Public Theatre. It was great, inspiring and Aladdin has great stage presence.

I had also gone because (as my blog suggests) I am working on a solo show of my own. And I am interested in learning how people do it and what they do or don't do. Since this was a reading I went to, I am not sure I can talk about the form that much at all. But I CAN talk about the content and how it worked in Aladdin's case.

He tells the story of his father who in 1940s had come to America as an immigrant, and then charts life events all the way upto the day when Yankee Stadium had its last game before it was closed in September 2008.

So, the content was auto-biographical, very personal, revealing, funny and painful at the same time. Very well written. There was repitition of images and phrases and that always pays off when done well.

So far those are my thoughts.

Finished listening to Anna D. Smith's audio book I mentioned in my first entry. Awesome.

Baryshnikov & Waters

2009-05-17T13:38:00.000-04:00

I just watched Iconoclasts on Sundance channel. They brought Mikhail Baryshnikov & Alice Waters together. It was amazing. They both focus on the importance of taking care of our bodies. Mikhail through dance and Alice through food. As I was watching I was amazed that our bodies can make us feel so free and open and also make us feel like our body is the cage we live in. It all depends on the choices we make. Or more like how we make friends with the body we live in especially when we are surrounded by messages that direct us away from body awareness and body appreciation- in whatever form or shape.

Iconoclasts- is a great series. Allowing for new interaction between people/artists who wouldn't really think to put together. The first one I saw and fell in love with was between Mike Myers and Deepak Chopra. I didn't really care for Chopra till I saw that and I appreciated why he is who he is. If you get a chance to see it, do. It is pretty powerful.

First Rehearsal

2009-05-16T16:20:00.000-04:00

We started our rehearsal with conversation about where I was mentally, emotionally that day. I have been listening to Anna Deavere Smith's "Letters To A Young Artists" for the past few days. Came across this audio version of the book on NYPL's website. I have been thoroughly enjoying listening to them on the Subways as I travel around the city. She speaks to so many things we as artists think about and deal with. Very practical advice. I am loving it and advice every artist to read/listen to it.

Anyways, I started talking with Fran about the Masterclass I had just finished taking at LAByrinth Theatre and that in one of the classes I became a victim of immense self-doubt. So much so that I decided that week that I was done with acting. Artists' Way and Ms. Smith's audio book kept me sane and I realised that I needed to carve a path for myself. To that effect I have decided to form an Artists' Collective. I have great hope for it. My determination is to find that childlike playfulness and joy I used to find when I was younger and didn't really know what I was doing.

Self-doubt is tough to deal with and Fran assured me that we will work from a place of non-judgementalness (not a real word, I know). That made me feel comforted and that i could fail in front of her without fear of shame. Ms. Smith also speaks to this matter. She says your art is what only you can create, so then how can you compare your work of art with someone else's?

We started our rehearsal with a discussion of gesture as Pina Bausch describes it. Then Fran gave me clay to play with keeping in mind the words I had written for the solo show. The above picture shows you what I created. And then we explored The Viewpoints, what they are, their meaning and how we experience them and can use them. I feel that for the first time I have really understood this. It was exciting when we looked out the window and saw- a car was being parked and a woman nearby was standing under an umbrella outside a store looking into the glass pane. Just as soon as the car was parked the woman started walking. It was magical. Kinesthetic response. Even when we don't know it.

After this, Fran gave me a composition exercise. I had 30 minutes to prepare and very specific guidelines, but within those I had freedom. Interestingly enough, I wasn't scared of this exercise. I had the confidence I could do it. Was it that I knew that Fran wasn't going to judge me? Most likely. At the end of 30 minutes, as I hid behind a cardboard plank to start my short performance, I was feeling all tickled like I used to as a kid when I used to play games or stage plays with my cousins, plays that were never intended for an audience. It was just FUN. It is tough to explain the feeling of accomplishment those 5 minutes of performance gave me. I felt appreciated, connected to myself and not pushing for results. This was a great rehearsal.

I don't really have much work these days. Haven't been this poor in a while. Haven't had this much time in my hands in a while. I suppose it is a good thing right now because I am able to connect with my creativity. I am also taking Yoga classes these days. Got a free 3 month membership at David Barton Gym. If you can afford it, please join this gym. if could, I would. They are awesome! I never thought I would say that about a gym. Their facilities and this yoga teacher- Paulo Hudson- is amazing. So, breathing in parts of my body that I forget to connect with- simple yet tough to do when you've lost contact.

Well, we have a ways to go as far as the solo-show is concerned, but I am very excited. It will be a dream-come-true when I perform this in front of an audience for the first time. My ideal audience is teenage girls. I have much to learn.

The Beginning

2009-05-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

2009. This year has been an interesting year for me. I shot my first NY based independent feature, I shot another Pakistani TV serial, I shot for Fringe on Fox. Busy start to the year, but as April approached, work dwindled away and in May I find myself in a place I haven’t visited in years. My creative playground. Beginning of May I started doing the Artist’s Way for the first time. I was taking Masterclass at LAByrinth Theatre company and the group I was working with inspired me to start Foreign Born Artists’ Collective. I am excited about it and it is like a new-born at this stage. We will have our first meeting in the first week of June. Most importantly, I have finally begun rehearsals for my Solo Show. I give the credit to Francesca Mantani Arkus, a wonderful director, teacher, and mentor. Without her enthusiasm & support I was just scared, lonely and terrified of this solo show.

So, I start this blog with a lot of Gratitude. Thanks to Larry, my husband, for being my rock and for always supporting my creative & sometimes crazy ideas. Thanks to my parents for giving me life and a wonderful childhood and education. Thanks to my sister who can always sense my deepest thoughts and fears, and call me on my shit. Thanks to my in-laws for their generosity and love towards us. I wish I could thank each & every person who has helped shape me in every way. In my heart I thank them.

I want to chart how I met Fran. First I met Larry in graduate school, who brought Gary Garrison to work on his thesis play & I met Gary. When I moved to NYC, we had lunch with Gary who told me about First Look Theatre Company at NYU. Through that I met Rebecca Nesvet, a playwright & Fran Arkus. Don’t remember exactly which scene Fran directed me on, but I had met her there. Then years later Rebecca asked me to be in a reading of her new play RPM that Fran was directing. After reading the wonderful play based on Anand Mahadevan’s novel The Strike, we all went for food & drinks and Fran asked me something (I don’t remember what exactly) & I remember telling her about my solo show that I want to do so much. I started crying. I was embarrassed because I didn’t want the other actors to think I was pulling some trick to get ahead or something. You now how actors can be. Anyways, right there and then Fran said to me- I will help you. Ah! Magic words. I couldn’t believe that she wanted to work with me and help me materialize my dream about the solo show.

I went home that night in December 2008 thinking- perhaps, perhaps it is possible that she will indeed work with me and that this will happen. She stayed in touch with me and we exchanged emails and met and finally had our first rehearsal last night on May 14, 2009.

So, thank you Larry, Gary, Rebecca, Anand, & Fran. Life works in mysterious ways.