Bollywood heroine, Lesbianism, Butch, Feminism

So this morning I was going to a callback and this play I am doing, Sad Mad, has been on my mind. Several things around me these days have been making me think about what I wrote in the title of this blog entry. Bollywood music I have been listening to, talking to female friends who are wondering if they are indeed gay, listening to colleagues about what they think a Lesbian looks like or behaves like. Add to that my own questions about female, body, sexual attractions, nature vs nurture, and sexual orientation.

The video above is the epitome of what is considered feminine, sensual, straight in South Asia. The woman has what's called adaayen- ways in which a woman can entice you, they are subtle and very specific. As I listen to this song and watch the video, I am reminded or I find myself telling myself how i am NOT like her. In my mind, unless a woman behaves in a very feminine-way (not very clear what I mean by that), she is a Lesbian. I know I know. A very narrow perspective on Lesbians. But I am trying to understand the inner workings of my brain, so bear with me.

So, if a woman is not feminine then she must be a Lesbian or if she isn't, one day she will discover she is. That is an interesting and very weird theory I must say. In my mind, any butchy behavior implies Lesbian. Which is why for a long time I have wondered if I am a Lesbian. Well, there you go...I have come out of the "I am wondering if I am gay" Closet. {If you are a loved one reading this, please don't get alarmed. I am fine and love my husband}. These are just thoughts, like excavation of my brain. And I recently did realize that I am indeed a straight woman, with not very feminine ways which had confused me for a long time.

There are more thoughts on this matter. They will become part of the solo-show, which I hope you will come see when it is ready.