A few weeks ago I did a very small reading of my solo-show. I just wanted to know that it resonates with people. My director, Fran and I got a lot out of that small, intimate reading. I am trying to do revisions and add material and hopefully the play will grow more. This was my first time writing and sharing in a "public" way. And it went well. I also started writing short film scripts. I have 2 ideas/synopsis. I also have a feature I started. Writing is tough. I am humbled.
I have been reading this book titled BODIES by Susie Orbach. I think everyone should read this book. Not only does she talk about the insidious nature of media and its role in our dysmorphic view of our bodies, she also talks about how a mother's own feelings of her body get transfered to the babies. I haven't read the whole book yet, but it has been so educational. It has made me think of my relationship to my body in a new way. Not everyone agrees with her on everything. But she is the current adviser to the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. She is a psychotherapist, psychoanalyst, writer and social critic from London, UK. In fact she was organizing a suit against Weight Watchers International. Read more here.
So, as a result of this problem I had not been able to do much exercise. So, eating, not working out (even though my husband insisted that I could have done something), and working on a one-woman show about body has been an interesting journey for the past 7 months. Needless to say I have put on weight. There are days when I don't understand how one can make oneself feel feminine. And then I even question if and why it is important to feel "feminine". It is a socially constructed idea. I am a woman therefore I am feminine. Why is that not enough?
Or when you have to try on 15 different outfits in order to find one that makes you look the least fat. Or hides your ponch the best. This takes place right before heading to a party or an audition. Imagine the self-esteem plummeting to the depths of the earth (ok..that's a bit melo-dramatic, but it is for effect) right before one is supposed to present this brave and confident front to the people you are about to meet. Too much f*ing work. And totally unnecessary. But it does become necessary. So, when I do show up at the party or the audition my body is all tense because I just gave it tons of messages about how I was ashamed of it. The poor body tries its best to cooperate, but no amount of stiff posture can make the pain go away. Physical and emotional.
Now some of you may be thinking....wow!!! "what a whiny blog". I won't challenge you on that. The fact that this thought even occurred in my brain while writing this is very telling about how there is not enough space for a woman to truly express the distress her own body brings to her. Perhaps it is whiny, or perhaps this is how one feels when feeling trapped. I don't mean to be whiny. I am trying to be honest.
Now, in my post-surgery era, after some physical therapy I should be able to jog, run, dance, and do whatever the hell able bodies people are able to do. Though I have to say from one perspective, not being able to workout due to health reasons was a nice excuse to just eat and put on weight. Not that the intention was to put on weight. But I was off-the-hook in a way. Off this hook that we have all put ourselves on. If we don't claim to friends and colleagues how much we are trying to and want to lose weight by eating salads etc. people think less of you. So, whether we truly like it or not, our bodies are hung by this hook. Because any self-caring and self-aware person would of course be on a diet-plan. WHY? This is an ism.....just don't know what kind of ism this would be called.
On that note....I am going to go see PRECIOUS.
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