Memory of a Photograph

So, yesterday I was at a photo shoot. I was one of the "models"/"talent" for this product. They did my hair and make-up. Kelly is the name of the make-up artist. She was wonderful and did a great job. So when I arrived on the set to shoot I was feeling a little nervous because I wanted to make sure I deliver what they want. We started shooting and the photographer was this tall, white, blue eyed guy. He was very nice and engaged me in a dialogue/conversation as we were shooting. So I didn't feel like I was "posing" I was just talking to him. Now the reason I am talking about him is that after he would click a photo or a couple of photos, he would say "great", "excellent". Of course it made me feel great. I really started thinking I must be looking like a "MODEL". I felt attractive. So, then I peeked and looked at the photographs at the end of the session and I wasn't looking bad in the photos, but I didn't look like I was a "MODEL". My shape, my look- nothing looked like a model. I looked older and non-model-like. And suddenly all the feelings of elation went away. I felt stupid for feeling good earlier when Dylan, the photographer said those positive words. I didn't feel old or unattractive when we were taking photos, but the photos made me feel old and unattractive. The shoot ended and I came home, but I have been thinking about this. Why did I not appreciate the photos? Perhaps I believe that if someone's photo is taken they better look like a model. Anything else is unacceptable and ugly. May be we just need to be bombarded with photos of regular, supposedly "unattractive" people so we can accept ourselves and each other better. Do I think my loved ones look ugly in my family photos? No but my eyes to examine who looks the most "Model-Like". We need to stop that. There is no other way for me to say that. May be Dylan did think I looked good and was genuine in his encouragement. I am sure he was. But I suppose when you have low self-esteem even a little positive thing can help a lot and even the tiniest negative thing can put you in the downward spiral.

Another thing happened on the set yesterday. Kelly and I started talking. She has 2 sons. 11 and 13 years old. She was telling me how young girls these days are so forward. Her son was receiving messages from young girls in his class telling him what they would do and were willing to do in the yard etc... Kelly thought girls these days are so forward. The thought in my head was...what is making these girls seek a boy's attention so much. I realized it is the same thing that was making me feel insecure and seek Dylan's approval. My self-image in that moment depended on him, entirely. But when I looked at myself....my negative thoughts took over. So, these young girls are willing to do whatever it takes to get attention and feel better, feel accepted, wanted, desirable, attractive. This thought made my resolve to do BodyLogue re-awaken. Yes, I had been wondering if what I am doing and wanting to do is really worth it. Who cares! What's the point! It is a silly little play!!! blah blah.....But hearing about these young women made me commit to the play again.

The other thought I have about the young girls Kelly mentioned- may be these girls are expressing their sexuality. May be they are more free and open about their sexuality. May be. I hope that is the case, but a voice in me says that's not the case. I don't think women have truly still learned how to express their sexuality. Like I have said before...I don't even know what it means in totality and what it look like to express it. What I do understand is that sexuality is not individualistic...it is based on social cues and surroundings. Sexuality cannot exist in isolation. I wish it did because then we could all go away to the mountains and explore how each of us would express ourselves sexually and sensually. But I am beginning to think that one's sexuality is dependent on what we learn growing up. It is an ongoing process. So by that token....those young girls are probably doing what they think they need to do in order to feel good about themselves. If you think I am incorrect, I would love to hear your thoughts. I want to learn.

Here is an article I found regarding this topic: Sexy, sassy, still in primary school