Back to the beginning or Starting in the reverse

I am 1 week shy of completing 4 months without blogging here. Thought about writing many times but somehow I just didn't make it. So then why now? Well, I have little more perspective on things and feel like I can write something more cohesive than I could have before.

So much has happened that I don't know where to begin. I have not been dieting for a little over a year now. It was my commitment to my play, Bodylogue. I just couldn't in good conscience. Things have shifted a bit. I am now in Los Angeles. This city intimidates the hell out of me. After doing Bodylogue in NYC I thought I have a better handle on my body-image issues. Well, no better way than to test it than to go home for a wedding and having to get blouses altered because they were stitched when I was dieting. The good thing in India is that you can be a bit over weight and wear shalwar kameez and still look trendy. This all changes when I come to the US. Here I can't really wear Indian clothes all the time. Not that I don't want to, but my profession is such that I cannot.

So, back to wearing jeans. And in the past year I have realized that I don't enjoy wearing jeans. They are the most uncomfortable clothing item one can possess. If they are not fitted jeans you can't wear them. If they are fitted, they look good and easy as long as you are standing. The moment you sit down the waist-band and the button digs into your stomach and no matter how thin you are, it gives you a nice roll of fat. And god forbid if you were wearing a fitting top. Now in the sitting position all you will do is pull and tug on your top to make sure your newly acquired roll of fat can be hidden. Not to mention the discomfort of the waistband and the button digging in. I acquired a pair of prego jeans sometime ago (no I am not pregnant). And they are the most comfy jeans I have ever.....EVER worn. My god....why can they not make those kinds of jeans for all women?

Anyway, I digress. So, here I am in Los Angeles and guess what? As we say in Hindi "mere confidence ki to watt lag gayi hai". For non-Hindi speakers, it means my confidence has gone to shit. For the month that I have been here I have been trying to avoid accepting the fact that I feel this way. But enough is enough. I cannot deny anymore.

Oh a little tangent here: my lovely husband has been losing weight this summer and guess what I have had a tough time being happy for him. I felt pretty awful that I didn't rejoice in his joy right away. Instead I felt jealous and .....well you know how it goes. So....as we say in Hindi this is like "jale pe namak chidakna". For non-Hindi speakers it means to put salt on an open wound.

Okay back to me now. So, now that I am done denying that I feel not-so-presentable to the world, what next you might wonder....Well, I have decided to go on a "diet" again. Yes I know......wrong from many many perspectives. But here is how I have justified it to myself.

Most important is to feel confident. I don't know what Los Angeles is like. I still only have preconceived ideas about its people who all are (as a douche-bag agent likes to call them) God-send. When I walk around here in my "keep-it-real" NYC clothes I feel like one of the Mexican maids that works in rich people's houses here. May be my NYC clothes were not very trendy to begin with, but at least I didn't feel......oh wait....even in NYC I felt shitty....hmmm.....looks like I just got caught in my own trap.

Start again- my big idea is that I will diet and that will make me confident. When I am confident I will go hunt for work. When I get work I will feel more confident. When I feel more confident that will make me relax and I can get off the diet. And perhaps then....I can feel at peace. hmmm....having written it out now .....me thinks this is a shitty plan. But at least it is A plan.

If you are reading, you are one of the very few that do, I am sure you think I have gone crazy. Well, I agree with you. I also think I have gone crazy.

Oh as for doing Bodylogue in Los Angeles......yeah....still need to work on that plan.
Thanks for reading.