Women have an antagonistic relationship with their facial hair. While facial hair make a man A MAN. Facial hair make a woman a man also. Or so women are to believe and hence spend their entire lives fighting this "home-grown terrorist".
What if our facial hair could talk to us? Ever wonder how our mustache feels? I think he might say something like this..........
Hello ladies! I am The Moonch. I surround your luscious lips. I give definition to your lips. When the gentle sweet breath from your nostrils touches my every pore…in and out. In and out. I bristle with excitement. And when you have a runny nose I protect your lips from a direct hit by your nasal fluid. I take a hit for you baby. Why you no love me? I am important. I make you look powerful. Women with The Moonch are feared. With all this talk of women’s lib why do you not want to embrace me?
A few of you wear me with pride. The other day I saw one of you standing outside Traders Joe wine shop. She wore me with inch long pride. She loves me, flaunts me, embraces me. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen on a woman. If that woman is in the audience tonight, I LOVE YOU.
Then there are those of you who go to this place which can only be described as a butchery for facial hair. There they have tools like threading, tweezing, bleaching, waxing, creaming etc....
Then there are those of you who try to commit infanticide on me in your homes. Your tools- creams, razors. You see I'm not safe anywhere. Even a hint my existence sends you into a tizzy. You go kamikaze on me. With those extra magnifying mirrors you sit down under harsh light with tweezers in hand. If I didn't know better I would think you're looking for Osama in the mountains of Afghanistan. Not that your skin looks rough like the mountains.....
You keep looking for ways to kill the innocent, well-meaning me. But my nature is such that I try not to take it personally. I forgive and continue to force myself to grow even though I’m unwanted. Do you know how it feels to be unwanted, unappreciated, unloved? I don’t think so. Because you are not The Moonch with an N. It’s a good thing I have a tough skin and I don’t die so easily. I get reincarnated. I suppose I am more Hindu than Hindus. They believe in reincarnation, they think it exists but they have never really experienced it themselves. I am a living proof of reincarnation. I live incarnation. I live IN incarnation. I might as well be a Hindu God.
But I digress. Look I'm here to make peace. You have found many ways to attack me but I've been quiet. Patient. But resilient. My resilience may remind you of Shahrukh Khan in Darr. My love for you is like his love for Juhi Chawla or like Glenn Close’s love for Michael Douglas.
I love you. So I'm here to plead with you. I've heard that you've come up with a new tool to get rid of me. And apparently this one is a sure shot at killing me. I don't want to die. Please...no electrolysis. No..... LASER! No ELECTROLYSIS!
We can work something out. I will grow slowly- how about that? So instead of dealing with me every other day, you'll have to deal with me only once a week......ok once in two weeks....ok once a month but I can't slow down any more than that. What do you say?
Silence? Silence?...Sounds like your resolve to kill me is resolute. Fuck! Come on don't push me. I'm desperate. I need you to want me, to keep me, to nurture me. Ok may be not nurture but……. Come on....I’m not so bad.
Looks like you are not going to stop your assault on me. Well in that case I have no choice but to go rogue. You are turning me into an extremist. It’s the fight for survival. I finally understand those terrorists. They are left with no choice just like you are leaving me no other choice. Enough, I say enough. That’s it. I am going rogue. I pledge to grow SO fast and furious that you will not be able to keep up with me. As you grow older, I will grow stronger. You can try to eradicate me baby, but I am a lover gone crazy. My love for you is till death do us part. Like Patrick Swayze I will haunt you. Like Shahrukh Khan I will stalk you. And like Glenn Close I will boil your pet rabbit. I am your Bunny Boiler baby! Bring on the lasers! The Moonch is ready for you now. Proceed with caution!
What if our facial hair could talk to us? Ever wonder how our mustache feels? I think he might say something like this..........
A few of you wear me with pride. The other day I saw one of you standing outside Traders Joe wine shop. She wore me with inch long pride. She loves me, flaunts me, embraces me. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen on a woman. If that woman is in the audience tonight, I LOVE YOU.
Then there are those of you who go to this place which can only be described as a butchery for facial hair. There they have tools like threading, tweezing, bleaching, waxing, creaming etc....
Then there are those of you who try to commit infanticide on me in your homes. Your tools- creams, razors. You see I'm not safe anywhere. Even a hint my existence sends you into a tizzy. You go kamikaze on me. With those extra magnifying mirrors you sit down under harsh light with tweezers in hand. If I didn't know better I would think you're looking for Osama in the mountains of Afghanistan. Not that your skin looks rough like the mountains.....
You keep looking for ways to kill the innocent, well-meaning me. But my nature is such that I try not to take it personally. I forgive and continue to force myself to grow even though I’m unwanted. Do you know how it feels to be unwanted, unappreciated, unloved? I don’t think so. Because you are not The Moonch with an N. It’s a good thing I have a tough skin and I don’t die so easily. I get reincarnated. I suppose I am more Hindu than Hindus. They believe in reincarnation, they think it exists but they have never really experienced it themselves. I am a living proof of reincarnation. I live incarnation. I live IN incarnation. I might as well be a Hindu God.
But I digress. Look I'm here to make peace. You have found many ways to attack me but I've been quiet. Patient. But resilient. My resilience may remind you of Shahrukh Khan in Darr. My love for you is like his love for Juhi Chawla or like Glenn Close’s love for Michael Douglas.
I love you. So I'm here to plead with you. I've heard that you've come up with a new tool to get rid of me. And apparently this one is a sure shot at killing me. I don't want to die. Please...no electrolysis. No..... LASER! No ELECTROLYSIS!
We can work something out. I will grow slowly- how about that? So instead of dealing with me every other day, you'll have to deal with me only once a week......ok once in two weeks....ok once a month but I can't slow down any more than that. What do you say?
Silence? Silence?...Sounds like your resolve to kill me is resolute. Fuck! Come on don't push me. I'm desperate. I need you to want me, to keep me, to nurture me. Ok may be not nurture but……. Come on....I’m not so bad.
Looks like you are not going to stop your assault on me. Well in that case I have no choice but to go rogue. You are turning me into an extremist. It’s the fight for survival. I finally understand those terrorists. They are left with no choice just like you are leaving me no other choice. Enough, I say enough. That’s it. I am going rogue. I pledge to grow SO fast and furious that you will not be able to keep up with me. As you grow older, I will grow stronger. You can try to eradicate me baby, but I am a lover gone crazy. My love for you is till death do us part. Like Patrick Swayze I will haunt you. Like Shahrukh Khan I will stalk you. And like Glenn Close I will boil your pet rabbit. I am your Bunny Boiler baby! Bring on the lasers! The Moonch is ready for you now. Proceed with caution!
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