The sinking feeling

So, I have been eating normally these days. As in, not depriving myself any foods. However, I do see that now I am not fitting into some clothes and my panic button has been pushed. I am beginning to slip into will-only-eat-salads-now diet. I am not eating unhealthy, but I am eating. You know what I mean?

Recently it has come to my attention that most people that know me think that I do not have any body issues. When I heard that, I was shocked. Inside my mind I laughed at their ignorance, but then paused....I wondered why they didn't know how much I deal with body-image issues. The most obvious thing I can think of is that I do not talk about my weight issues very openly or any occasion I get. Yes, I do write about it, but I am not one to say to someone, "Gosh I need to lose some weight, look at me....". My weight lose and body-issues are very private to me. Or have been since I started writing this blog. Even writing this provides some distance, which I like. So, unlike a lot of my friends who will tell everyone how much they need to lose etc...I stay mum and instead have a continuous inner monologue going.

May be it is because I am Indian and we don't talk about such things. Or may be it is just me. But to imagine myself through the eyes of these friends who think I have NO BODY IMAGE ISSUES......it feels good....I wish I could feel that way all the time.

I think people need to stop talking openly about losing weight. It puts unnecessary pressure on those who want to enjoy whatever they order. Because if one person is saying they will eat a salad and be sensible, how can you then order french fries and feel good about yourself? You would feel horrible for eating what you are eating.

hmmm......so to go back to the sinking feeling....I have to wear a business suit tomorrow....let me just say, I am dreading it. I know I will spend the whole day feeling fat and literally touching my fat as if by touching something will change & it will magically disappear.

I "know" in my head that I am not fat...well...yeah okay, I am not fat. But then again, being fat is sometimes not just a physical reality, it is also a mental state of being. The amount of energy spent on secretly staying unhappy about one's body is unhealthy. I am working on it.

I am still in shock that people look at me and think I am happy with my body. Ha!